Anastasia's Cancer Experience

Update and Announcement!

2012-01-18T16:19:00.002-05:00

Hi! I am sorry this update is not very timely. The great news is my scan came out clean and clear. It only lit up a little in the throat area and that is likely from talking. My onc is not worried. Sooo....woohoo! Yeah. I am super grateful and happy.

~ My Lovely Sister ~

The announcement I have to make is that my sister, Tiffany Spiecker, has signed up to do run a half marathon race in support of the Stupid Cancer foundation. She is fundraising right now. Please check out her page: http://www.crowdrise.com/tsc2012/fundraiser/TiffanySpiecker ! And, if you are able to, please donate to the fund.

As an incentive, (oooooh), I am going to give away a copy of my CD, "Of the Resurrection," online to anyone who donates at least $25.00. Simply e-mail me at therealanastasia@bellsouth.net and let me know you have contributed. The recordings are not up yet, but I will have them up and ready to go within the month.

Take care everyone!

Tests

2011-12-12T18:56:00.000-05:00

This week is Exam Week at FSU and as I take these tests, I am reminded of another kind of test that I have coming up on the 21st of this month: a PET scan. The last scan I had was a CT this past March after being in a car accident. I believe this upcoming PET scan will mark one year since my last...and, not surprisingly, I am a bit nervous about the results. I find myself thinking about cancer more often...almost reminding myself. In general, before this upcoming scan business, my Hodgkin's experience is growing more and more a distant memory. It almost seems like it was just a dream. Which I think is probably a good thing, because it means that I am focusing on the present, and not living in fear every day. The upcoming scan does cast a little shadow of anxiety though, especially when I am feeling run down during a busy week like this one. I suppose I just wanted to write to vent about my worry. Ah, blog therapy. Continued health is what I would like more than anything else for Christmas! Make it happen, Santa. Please.

And circling circled

2011-09-30T16:12:00.000-04:00

The subject title refers to a poem I am working with by Hildegard von Bingen. And I just heard a song on the radio with the same concept! At least something circular/cyclical circling. Cool!
I just got back from a long walk in the woods. I saw a snake!
It was beautiful out there.
I was thinking about my dream/s and the possibilities.

Partly I think the mind just throws fears out there to shake things up a bit.
Perhaps to get you in touch with something deeper than the day to day routine.
Like life does sometimes.
I mean, when I remember how I felt during the shock of having cancer, it was an especially alive time...partly because it was scary. Does that make any sense?
Emotions like fear and dealing with the unexpected has a way of shaking you out of blind routine.

I don't wish for another cancer experience, however I would like to find ways to wake up to the moment- and I think dreams are one way of doing that, ironically enough. You can experience something without having to actually experience it.

When I think about that dream I wrote about last entry, it really wasn't necessarily the most awful thing ever. I mean there was a sweet part about it and that is that I was holding the person's hand. It is not like I ran away scared; I met the situation with love and tried to be open to it. So it is not all bad.
You know?

Routine and Staying in Touch with Vivid Aliveness

2011-09-29T12:27:00.000-04:00

Before I write about the above topic, I need to say something. I feel like I want to share that my grandma passed away this summer. I never wrote about that, though it was something important and connected to things I have talked about here. Both I lived with my dad during chemo, while he took care of grandma and Bill. My dad did a wonderful job taking care of Julie (grandma) until the very end. We miss grandma but are glad she is at peace.

I had weird dreams last night, some of which touched on death and my fears regarding it. It was about the oldest dog, Gabe, initially, he was dying. But he turned into a person, Bill, and he was sitting on a couch. We all knew the end was near, but it was a rough time because his breathing was labored. It was hard to watch and I just wanted it to be over and him to be at peace. I asked him if he would like me to hold his hand. I sat there next to him holding his hand while he transitioned.

You know that part in Lord of the Rings where Frodo has been stabbed by the Ringwraith and he is preoccupied with visions inside his mind, no longer aware of the present moment of consensual reality? It was like that, the man was going into that state.

Sigh. I do have fears. I fear suffering...my own and others.

I am afraid I will do the wrong thing, and then end up suffering. And it will be my fault.

I'm not sure where to go with that at the moment, except just to be aware of it.

I'll have to write about the above topic at another time. Because I have to get to class.

Really, I'm okay, just wanted to express myself a bit and get it out of my head. Thanks for that, blog.

Lucky

2011-08-12T13:36:00.004-04:00

Had a standard check-up/physical appointment today with my new doctor in Tallahassee. I received news that all of my blood-work looked absolutely normal, and some parts of it even better than normal. I can't help but feel very lucky and blessed. I know that God, Family, and Friends would and will help me through whatever could have and may happen, but I am just in awe with gratitude that the kind of support I need is just general, normal, every day support and love these days. If that makes any sense. There is no emergency, no super intense drama- I am actually relatively smoothly sailing along the ocean of life. And my life is pretty quote, unquote, normal. And that is great! I am finding that, for the most part, normal is okay with me.

Just finished summer classes last week...studied Jazz History for six weeks which was interesting. I am writing songs here and there, and recording them on Garageband. I don't know what I will do with them, but I am accepting that it is okay to make music, just for the fun of it. It is okay to do it just for my own processing and enjoyment.

I looked back in my blog to figure out how long I've been in remission now. And the date I received a clean scan was approx. 4/20/09. It is now 8/12/11, which means I've been in remission for about two years and four months! Woohoo. I am really a lucky girl. Thank you God!

I am not writing this to gloat, I hope it encourages someone who is going through a similar time. A cancer experience is intense. And even after that, the anxiety about recurrence can be intense. But life is good and worth risking disappointment for. I mean, we must live while we are here....and embrace the day and the opportunities it brings!

I wish everyone peace, love, and happiness, including myself. :)

Healthy Heart

2011-06-22T14:57:00.001-04:00

Hi! Just felt like writing an update here. And I have good news. I went to a cardiologist for the first time on Monday at my radiologist's referral. According to what the EKG showed and listening revealed, there is no reason to think my heart is not absolutely healthy! The beat is only slightly abnormal, and that is so common that it is, well, just about normal. :)

Today I went to my first appointment with a local doctor here in Tallahassee, to become a new patient. It will be good to have a primary doc here! It gets confusing having all my doctors in NE Florida only. Now when I come down with a mean sinus/bronchial infection, like I did a couple of weeks ago, I will not have to go to a walk-in clinic as a stranger each time and wait, wait, wait.

This is me and my dad in front of my (still) new car! It is a Nissan Sentra, Special Edition. It has several fun features- one of which is a button you can push and twirl to change from over 20 different colored lights that shine both on your feet and in the cup holder. It looks neat at night. The car also came with XM radio. For now :) Which I have been enjoying, including, yes, the kid's channel. There are some really fun songs to be heard. I also like the Chill station a lot.

This is my new room. It is still the first month here in this place, which is almost brand new. It is much more spacious than the last place I was living and very clean. I absolutely love it here!

School is also going great. I love studying music therapy and the related disciplines. I am excited about the future as well as enjoying each and every day. I really couldn't ask for more! Life is good.

Bees and Honey

2011-05-24T23:13:00.000-04:00

Mythology of bees honey

Since time began, honey and bees have been part of the great myths of humanity and have always been extraordinarily potent symbols. The birth of bees: According to the ancient Greeks, all of Nature's phenomena had divine origins. Bees were a source of great fascination, and their mysterious origins inspired the legend of Aristæus: Aristæus, the son of the god Apollo, had a beehive. But he wanted to seduce Eurydice, Orpheus' wife, who died from a snake bite because she had refused Aristæus' advances. In revenge, Orpheus destroyed Aristæus' hive. To appease the wrath of the gods, Aristæus sacrified four bulls and four heifers. From their entrails, new swarms suddenly appeared, so Aristæus was able to rebuild his hive and teach beekeeping to men. . This legend is told by Virgil, the great Latin poet, in his famous ''Georgics''. Like the ancient Greeks, he believed that bees were born spontaneously from animal corpses. In the texts of ancient Egypt, bees were born from the tears of Râ, the Sun God. When the tears fell onto the soil, they were transformed into bees that built honeycombs and produced honey.
Bee symbolism: As the workers of the hive, bees are symbol of an industrious and prosperous community governed by the queen bee. They have therefore symbolized all that is royal and imperial , in France and in ancient Egypt (associated with Râ, the Sun God).Three hundred gold bees were discovered in the tomb of Childeric I (on the year 481), which showed that the hive was the model of an absolute menarchy. Napoleon I used bees as a motif on all his carpets, as well as on his coronation robes.
As organizers of the universe between earth and sky, bees symbolize all vital principles, and embody the soul . In the Greek religion, the bee was sometimes identified with Demeter, the goddess of the earth and crops, who represented the soul sent to hell. The bee also symbolizes the soul that flies away from the body in the Siberian, Central Asian, and South American Indian traditions.
Bees also symbolize eloquence , speech, and intelligence . In Hebrew, the word for bee, Dbure, has its origins in the word Dbr, speech. They settled on the mouth of the child, Plato, " announcing the sweetness of his enchanting soul " (Pliny) and also settled also on the lips of Saint Ambrose, the patron-saint of beekeepers. According to Virgil, they have a grain of divine intelligence and the famous Pythia, the priestess of Apollo, was called "the bee of Delphi". In some texts from India, the bee represents the spirit becoming intoxicated with the pollen of knowledge. Because of its honey and its sting, the bee is considered to be an emblem of Christ : it represents his mildness and mercy on one side and his justice on the other.
Honey A basic foodstuff, but which can also be a drink - like milk with which it is often associated -, honey is a symbol of richness and sweetness in all traditions. In the sacred texts of East and West, milk and honey flow like a stream through the promised land. The Celtic traditions celebrate mead as an immortal beverage. In Greek mythology, in which honey is the drink of the gods of Olympus, it is the symbol of knowledge, learning and wisdom , it is a food reserved for the elect, the iniated, and to exceptional people in this world and the next. Greek tradition claims that Pythagoras ate nothing but honey throughout his entire life.
All the great prophets refer to honey in the Scriptures. Speech is honey, it represents softness, justice, virtue and divine goodness. The Koran uses holy terms to talk of bees and honey :"Honey is the first blessing that God gave the earth". Virgil calls honey the celestial gift of the dew, dew itself being a symbol of initiation. Honey even designates supreme bliss and the state of Nirvana. Symbol of all sweetness, the honey of knowledge creates the happiness of mankind.
The perfection of honey makes it a major element in many religions rituals. For the Egyptians, honey was the tears of the god Râ and was a part of all the religious offerings in pharaonic Egypt. In Islam, according to the Prophet, it restores sight, preserves health and resuscitates the dead. For the American Indians, it plays a great part in ceremonies and the rites of initiation and purification. A source of inspiration, honey gave Pindar the gift of poetry and Pythagoras the gift of science.
In modern psychoanalytical thinking, honey symbolizes the "higher self" , the ultimate consequence of work on one's inner self. As the result of the transmutation of ephemeral pollen into a delicious food of immortality, honey symbolizes the transformation by initiation, the conversion of the soul, and the complete integration of the person. (From: http://www.lunedemiel.tm.fr/anglais/06.htm)

Angels and Accidents

2011-05-19T13:12:00.001-04:00

I think it not inappropriate to share a recent event, vision, and why I am pretty certain that I believe in angels. I was in my blue Kia Rio on the way to Ear-Training class yesterday morning when I was slammed into from behind by a Chevy Tahoe (ironically, a music education at FAMU. I won't disclose his name...but further irony.) What happened immediately after is relatively a blur, but I remember the back windshield shattering, that awful clanging metal breaking sound along with a dramatic jerk of the car, me yelling in fear and wondering what was going to happen next. I didn't know where I was going, I lost control of the car. What happened is that my little Kia ended up jumping the grassy median next to it and landing with its face buried in a small tree. I was grateful to observe nothing explode. With shaky hands, I turned off the engine and got out of the car. Which now looked like this:

And this:

My saving grace is that I landed in that awkward position, not in the opposite lane of traffic, or slammed into the car in front of me. My other saving grace is the quick action on part of one of my real life angels, Frank, who showed up with his truck and helping hands as soon as I called him and said I'd been in an accident. What he has done for me over the past couple of days has been immensely helpful and kind. I am very grateful for his generous assistance.

I am also very grateful to God and my other angels. The night of May 17, 2011, the night before this accident happened, I had a dream (that was more like a visionary experience in which I was a conscious participant) of being visited with by what I can only guess was an angel, spirit guide, or some kind of higher divine being. Like another dream vision I have had of a similar kind and quality, the angel resembled a beautiful man, not a person I know in real life, but someone I have never met before but seems deeply familiar yet other-worldly. This angel-man had dark brown hair and eyes and was incredibly attractive to me for reasons beyond his appearance. His warm heart and inner charisma shone through his eyes. He was sitting next to me in bed and we were conversing. He laughed at me when I tried to come on to him. It was almost like his laugh was saying, "of course you would want to do that because I am such an intensely beautiful being who knows you intimately in a spiritual way, but of course you can't do that" because....well it was almost like he and I were relatives or something. The moment was easily passed beyond because it seemed obvious and clear why that was not allowed when he laughed like he did at me, in a totally non-judgmental, affectionate and understanding way. It was like he knew me as well as I knew myself, if not better. I knew our time to visit was limited and I was asking him questions about life, partly out of genuine curiosity but also partly just because I wanted him to linger with me in this vision longer. His presence was quite comforting. It was like being with a God-like being for whom EVERYTHING was OKAY. The universe was okay in his presence. Death was okay in his presence. Nothing felt wrong or scary. I felt completely safe and at ease.

Anyway, this dream vision was definitely a numinous one, and one in which I was aware I was dreaming/visioning. I felt like I was really there, with that angelic being. However, I didn't remember the dream until after the accident, when I was watching a Nova documentary I had picked out on Netflix about dreams. The memory came flooding back to me and made me smile, remembering my angel chuckling at me with affectionate knowing. Later, when thinking about the accident and feeling such gratitude for the outcome and how the car seemed to steer itself to what was likely the best possible scenario- safely out of traffic and into a small enough tree-, I realized the impeccable timing of that numinous dream/vision. It is almost as if the angel came to see me the night before as a sign that the next morning something dangerous would happen, which would wreck my car, but that my life would again be spared. Perhaps the angel remained with me through the morning and was with me in the car.

There is no way for me, as a human, limited by my senses as they are, to know exactly what took place on the other planes I cannot see. But it strikes me as a beautiful coincidence that I was given such a comforting, enjoyable visit by a being who seemed to me absolutely divine, the night before the accident happened. It makes me feel as though there is a plan that is beyond me and that ultimately God is in charge of my fate. There is more that He would like for me to experience, learn, be, and do. I look forward to watching His plan unfold. With my loved ones, my real life angels, at my side.

Anastasia on Airborne with Matt Jeffs @ Eclipse Studio

2011-05-17T12:29:00.000-04:00

How cool is this? In my search for images of me performing to use in a demo/bio I am putting together, I stumbled upon this video interview with Matt Jeffs, taken, I believe, over a year ago! I love the great job he does interviewing me and I love the subject matter! Life after cancer, music therapy, and creativity! Too cool. It is exciting to see how much more I already know now about Music Therapy than I did when this was filmed. And also to see my health sustaining and getting continually better. I am so grateful and am enjoying my life so very much! Hope you enjoy this short video interview with Matt Jeffs on Airborne at Eclipse Studio.

Art Therapy for Healing, End of Spring Semester at Music School, and an Easter Birthday

2011-04-27T00:20:00.001-04:00

I LOVE SPRiNG

Getting Older is GREAT

CREATIVE therapies for HEALING and GROWTH

MUSIC and ART to nurture the SOUL, stimulate the MIND, and relax the BODY

LIFE is GOOD !

Spring Break...

2011-03-14T03:18:00.001-04:00

was eventful!

I went home for the past week. The worst event was that my father was in a bad accident on Monday! He was left sore, with a broken rib and collarbone, but other than that, thankfully, he is okay. His truck (which he was quite fond of) was totaled. He was turning left at a green light when a car ran a red light going at least 45 mph (the speed limit). This was only down the street from my mom's house. Terribly scary! My heart about stopped when we got a phone call from him saying he'd been in an accident and couldn't find his glasses. Poor dad! I am sooooooo glad he is okay. I love you, dad!!

Grandma is still hanging in there! I played some music for her and she gave me some wonderful smiles. She is a sweet lady.

Overall, other than dad's accident, it was a very nice, refreshing, enjoyable Spring Break 2011.

I slept in until...ahem....2 pm this afternoon (there was a time-change you know...), picked up a coffee around 9 this evening at the beginning of my drive back to Tallahassee. Now.....home and WIDE AWAKE. I took Melatonin a couple of hours ago but it seems to have had no effect on penetrating this wide awake state. So, I figured it was time to blog. I had the writing urge.

I did a follow-up visit with Dr. Hoppe and Kerri Hopper (his assistant) on Wednesday. He reviewed my most recent blood results and stuff. Blood looks good! I have lost more weight. I am looking kind of thin! Strange to mind that! I think the reason is because being in college keeps me pretty active and I don't always eat as much as I should, just because I get busy and forget sometimes. Anyway..., the only other news in the post-cancer department is that Dr. Hoppe has recommended I find a cardiologist to follow up on the abnormality in my EKG scan, which was noted before I began radiation treatment, and had been noted before. Dr. Hoppe thinks the abnormality is most likely due to the tumor/now scar tissue having been/being on top of my heart. It will probably not be a big deal, but it would be a good idea for me to get set up with a cardiologist.

Am I getting sleepy yet? Not sure...perhaps. I am actually kind of hungry. :-/ Morning is coming soon. This is my awkward transition back into college life. Six thirty AM is three hours and twenty minutes away. Again I say, :-/.

I love Music Therapy though...I am getting more and more excited about this path I am on. I will have to share more about it soon. Which reminds me, um you may or may not have noticed but I have decided NOT to make this blog private, just yet. I think that was a bit pre-mature. I may NEVER make it private! Then again, one day, I may. I thought about it more and realized that it is probably not anything I will have to hide from potential employers. Prednisone influenced Youtube videos during treatment....well I have removed those! (Though I will never be able to remove the memory behind the jokes that are still made at my expense by my loving family). :) Also, I still have a couple more years of training to go before it will be time for me to work as a full-time music therapist. So, there is no rush.

Oh...my. Really hungry.

And on that note,

Bye for Now!

<3 Anastasia

UpDaTe

2011-03-02T20:02:00.001-05:00

Hello to Whoever is reading this!

I recently received a couple very kind letters responding to the blog I wrote a few weeks ago about my grandfather Bill. One of the letters was sent to me through e-mail, the other from a kind woman whose response can be found following the my blog: "I am Going To Miss Bill." I liked her turtle-shell metaphor. Kind of sounds like it could be the seed of a song, doesn't it?

Well these letters reminded me that I really should update my blog, especially after writing
the post that I did that night about Bill. Bill passed away only a few days after I wrote that post.
He had not been allowed (or able) to eat any food for many days (about a month, I think) and
it had gotten to the point where his body could not even process the pain pills. He just could not digest them. There is a new Hospice center that just opened up in St. Augustine. My dad called them and they said to bring Bill in. There they put Bill on a morphine drip and he was able to drift away peacefully.
My dad was wonderfully kind and compassionate to him. I wasn't there, but I know that no one
could ask for a better, brighter angel than my dad to be at their side, holding their hand as they make
their journey into the light.

Now What

2011-02-24T00:36:00.001-05:00

Hey Guys!

A group called "Now What" recently contacted me and asked me to summarize my cancer experience. I think that this would be a great thing to include on my blog, so those that wish could see "the bigger picture," at least of my own experience.

If You would like to read the story at the Now What website (which, you should, of course, check out anyway!) http://www.nowwhat.org.au/stories/view/it-was-challenging# (You can find it at this address!)

Love, Anastasia

I'm Going to Miss Bill

2011-02-01T01:14:00.002-05:00

It's 1:14 on a school night. My weekdays start around 6:30 am, so usually I would be asleep by now. But instead of sleeping I have been crying. I am crying because my grandpa Bill is going to die soon. I am crying because I am going to miss him.

Bill is not my biological grandfather. He married my grandma Julie around the time my parents got married, in 1980. Bill and Julie have been staying with my dad for the past few years. During this time my grandma has been bedridden and only partly here mentally. Bill has been the seemingly more healthy and alert one, though they are both around 90.

It was discovered over the Christmas holiday that Bill had cancer in his GI tract. In fact, he went to the hospital on Christmas Eve. My dad took him there. They soon diagnosed him.

Things have progressed pretty quickly, at least it seems quickly to me, from here. Bill stayed at a rehabilitation center for about a month. All he could have was liquid, no solid food because his body could no longer process it. He lost 22 pounds.

I saw him once, two weekends ago, he had just come home. He looked so different. But also slightly childlike in a strange way. Still cracking a joke here and there, his tendency toward sarcasm still shining through here and there, but he definitely seemed weaker, tired.

My dad tells me that it may not be long now, which will probably be a blessing for Bill. Hospice is giving Bill medication for the pain and he now has a hospital bed to lie in at my dad's house, along with Julie.

I know to die will probably be a blessing for Bill at this point, but to think of his life coming to an end and him being gone makes tears well up in my eyes. The truth is I will really miss him.

He was truly a unique character.

It was when I moved into my dad's while being treated for Hodgkin's that I got closer to Bill and Julie. Like them, I was at the house a lot, and I think we all formed a certain bond because of this.

I remember one day Bill was cursing and yelling at the news on TV from his recliner in the living room, as he often would do. I had just recently moved into the house and I had the door to my room closed but could still hear him. I am pretty sure I even had the room to my room's bathroom closed and I could still hear him. I was still very sensitive and emotional from the recent cancer diagnosis, not to mention the medicine I was on. I started crying pretty loudly, as I all of a sudden was feeling very sorry for myself adjusting to this new environment. Bill heard me and came in. He just kind of looked at me and maybe hugged me and said something like "I know, girl, I know." And I think he did know.

Something I liked about living with Bill was that he loved to put on records and CDs of classical music. He also really enjoyed my playing. It was so touching when I would play/sing something and I'd see tears in his eyes. He started crying. He told me he was so proud of me.

He also was often open about the fact that he thought I was pretty and reminded me on a regular basis that I was not his biological grand-daughter. Some might've found this offensive, but for the most part, I found it kind of funny. He just said the funniest things...to me and to others! He definitely liked women. He teased my dad about being a ladies man because my mom and my dad's girlfriend both visited the house (my parents are divorced but good friends). He really loved Julie, though. He was always concerned with how she was doing and if she was getting enough to eat. He always warmed her up coffee and put it in her hand although, more often than not, she spilled it over herself (once it had cooled off, of course) rather than drink it.

He had a nickname for the hospital: "horse pistol." I thought of that tonight while crying and it made me start laughing. That is very Bill. Those are the kinds of memories of Bill I am going to have. I don't know if I would've gotten this close if we had not lived together while I went through cancer treatment. That contributes to the bond. It is hard to explain exactly, but I felt like writing a little bit about it tonight.

If you read this please send prayers to Bill for his comfort and ease of transition, and to my dad for strength and endurance through what has to be an intense time. God Bless.

Privacy Settings

2011-01-16T13:11:00.002-05:00

Because it appears that I am having a life after cancer including professional opportunities (ok, it might be a few months down the road...), I have been thinking that it would be wise to limit my presence on the internet. This blog was created to (1) share my experience, in hopefully a helpful way to others that may be embarking on a similar battle, (2) keep family and friends updated about what was going on, and (3) as a therapuetic and creative outlet for me to express my ups and downs, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My point is that it was appropriate for me then to share to this extent, but now I am at a different point in my life. A point at which it is time to limit who sees this blog. If you would like to have access here, please send an e-mail to therealanastasia@bellsouth.net . I will be making this blog private soon. Thanks people.

Exercises for Developing Efficient Phonation

2010-12-29T10:58:00.002-05:00

Dad and Me on Dec. 27, 2010

What does the title of this blog have to do with what I am going to write about, you ask? Well...not a whole lot. Except it is from a wonderful book called "Adventures in Singing" that I used last year for a class that was essentially Singing 101. Lately I have been singing and playing a few of the pieces we worked on in class. Today I took one of the really simple songs and played the melody on guitar, then the chords, and along with that sang in numbers. (It was the key of F major. So F was 1, C was 5, Bb was 4, and so on.) I guess I am sort of preparing for the upcoming semester. Upcoming as in, start January 4th, as in next Tuesday, as in LESS than a WEEK from TODAY. Holy Mother of Music!

I have not started packing yet, really. Though I did take a carload over to Tallahassee a couple of weeks ago. I need to write more. There is a lot of revising going in here, ackwardness in the structure of my sentences. Hmm. See?

The good news: My break has been super duper fantastically relaxing, for the most part. Christmas was basically wonderful. I had the piano tuned at my dad's. It sounds so great.

The "bad" news: My step grandfather Bill is in the hospital again. The doctors think he may have colon cancer, but it is not known for certain at this point. He went in X-mas Eve. : ( Bill is older, almost 90. My grandma Julie, his wife, turned 90 on Dec. 23. They both live with my dad, who takes care of them + works full time. I also have been living with my dad, and did so throughout my treatment. So I have become kind of close to my grandparents, toward the end of their lives. We didn't live near each other when I was a kid.

Anyway, I am trying to come to peace with the process of life which includes sickness and death, and saying goodbye, but....I've got a long way to go. The paradox of being comfortable in the midst of discomfort- change is ackward. But everything is always changing. So...eventually we learn flexibility. My goal is to become more flexible in one way, and less flexible in another. More flexible with experiencing things that are "uncomfortable," both psychologically and physically (such as remaining open in challenging emotions and exercise). And less flexible, in the sense of commitment to my studies/music, goals, and health. Not so swayed by emotion.

It is a challenge to truly be open to learning and growing when part of you is so aware of...well the impermanence of it. But that can go both ways. Because another way to look at it is...each level of skill or knowledge you reach is also impermanent in the sense that you can always improve. At least for a period of time in your life, before degenerating. But even then, who knows, maybe part of that development stays with you. If not the particular skill exactly, then at the very least the postive effect it had on your character for dedicating yourself to something like that.

Good Scan :)

2010-11-20T20:33:00.002-05:00

Wanted to follow up on my last post! I had a long day of testing on Wednesday, which was all worth it for the good news at the end. The PET showed NO cancer activity and also that the leftover scar tissue might've even shrunk a centimeter or two. Blood levels were good. Lungs were good. Everything was good! I'm positively thrilled. :) :) :) Thank you all for your support and love!

Resting and Reflecting

2010-11-14T16:37:00.002-05:00

My one year PET scan is coming up this Wednesday, Nov. 17. That is, it has been about one year since I finished radiation treatment. Tomorrow morning, I will go get blood taken at Quest, which will be sent to Proton. Then, Wednesday morning, I'll go up to Proton/Shands and have follow up tests like an Echocardiogram and a Pulmonary Function Test. And, of course, the PET/CT scan. I will see my radiation doctor, Dr. Hoppe, in the afternoon and he will be able to see the scan by that time. So although he won't have a full report available that day, he will be able to look at the picture and tell me what he thinks.

I had a special treat recently as I was visited by my good friend through Hodgkin's, Chris Carr. I met him for the first time when I was going through chemo and he had recently finished a tandem SCT. He is currently on a trial called SAHA that is working well for him. Words cannot say how great it was to see him looking and feeling so happy and healthy!!

As scan day approaches, I've had Hodgkin's on my mind more than usual, and have been reading the Forum more than usual. We've had a couple of losses there lately, sad to say. :( But some triumphs too. :)

I don't know what else to say, but Carpe diem!

I'll update when I receive my results.

Simple Solutions

2010-09-19T14:30:00.002-04:00

Rock!

A few days ago I was concerned about what I described as a "skipping" or "whoosh" feeling in my body. I posted an emotionally charged blog here (which I deleted most of) and then thought, why don't I post about my "whoosh" feeling on the Hodgkin's Lymphoma Forum? Wonderfully enough, the very first reply I received was a from a girl (fellow cancer warrior) who asked if I was drinking a lot of caffiene, because caffiene could cause this feeling. (By the way, I'm pretty sure this feeling can be described as "palpitations"). I thought back and though I hadn't been drinking what I would consider "alot" of caffiene, I was in the habit of drinking one cup at most from the coffee press when waking up "early" in the morning (8-9ish!). I did this BEFORE exercising, which is when I noticed the palpitations the most. Hmmmm....

So I cut out the coffee to see what might happen. And....vwa-la (viola?)! Palpitations= gone!

Super simple. So glad!

Forgiveness

2010-09-16T14:13:00.003-04:00

from "The Places That Scare You" by Pema Chodron (p. 82)

There is a simple practice we can do to cultivate forgiveness. First we acknowledge what we feel- shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse. Then we forgive ourselves for being human. Then, in the spirit of not wallowing in the pain, we let go and make a fresh start. We don't have to carry the burden with us anymore. We can acknowledge, forgive, and start anew. If we practice this way, little by little we'll learn to abide with the feeling of regret for having hurt ourselves and others. We will also learn self-forgiveness. Eventually, at our own speed, we'll even find our capacity to forgive those who have done us harm. We will discover forvieness as a natural expression of the open heart, an expression of our basic goodness. This potential is inherent in every moment. Each moment is an opportunity to make a fresh start.

Whoosh

2010-09-14T10:17:00.005-04:00

This sign is everywhere around our neighborhood these days. Kind of annoying.

(Because nickname for Hodgkins= the Hodge)

An Error Occurred. Diagnose Connection Problems. Yes, yes, ok. It's the story of the morning. But for now things seem to be functioning.

Where to start. With the feeling. It doesn't hurt...it just feels strange. And it reminds me of before. How to describe it. I notice it most when I am exercising (that is taking a walk) or doing things around the house. So it seems to be connected with my heart beat. And it is like a pulse, a "whoosh," a skip. I feel it in my head and in my palms the most. It is lasts for perhaps a second or two, recurring maybe three times per minute, or something like that. For that second I feel light headed and as though a "skip" has occured, like when a CD is scratched and skips when it is playing.

I used to have this feeling. Before diagnosis. It went away with treatment, I guess because I haven't noticed it back again until recently. And there was definitely a time where I wasn't having this feeling. It is so subtle...to me (and hard to describe!) that I don't think I have brought it up to any doctor. Though, I kind of think I might've mentioned it...but what can someone say to...it feels like "whoosh" for a second. It is hard to describe, though it is a real, physical thing I am experiencing. My opinion is that it has something to do with my blood circulation and heart. It might be worth mentioning to my doctor, if it persists. Now..I am tempted to look it up online...what do I look up..."whoosh"?

Beyond Fruit Flies

2010-09-07T19:07:00.003-04:00

Wow. They have snuck into my blog. Sneaky winged flying tiny specks of annoyance. :)

I'm kind of kidding. I mean, they are not that bad. I am really trying to do everything I can think of to keep them out. But they seem to find me. Just one or so. It never happens when Yasar is around. So it is hard to convince him of the annoyance that fruit flies are and how to keep them away. The fruit flies must just like me better! ..Or sense a weakness.

Oh yes. The title was "Beyond Fruit Flies" - that is right.

Well, let's see. If I could go back and change one thing about my decision it would be that...I might've at least kept a class or two going. No, they would not be covered by financial aid, but I probably could just have paid for them up front- at least one of them. I have some money saved up from gigs now. Anyway, I did not think of that option at the time, actually until my dad brought it up to me the other day when I was in St. Augustine. It is too late now, though my dreams still haven't caught up, they are filled with confusing and "uh oh" feeling like, whoa, shouldn't I be in class right now? Or like there was an entire class I was supposed to take that I wasn't aware of. That kind of feeling.

In the meantime, I am looking into what people do with Music Therapy a bit more, mainly through exploring blogs at the moment. I didn't realize these existed until just the other day! There are some Music Therapist blogs out there! This is neat for me, because it helps me gain some more perspective on the field and Music Therapy as a career.

Also, I think I am going to start teaching guitar lessons soon. A family that comes to San Miguel has two girls who would like to take lessons, and they asked me if I taught. It was a great coincidence because I had just been contemplating teaching guitar lessons, and wondering how to go about finding students.

In other news, I have been very happy to hear that a few of my Hodgkin's buddies are doing well post- SCT and on trials. This is wonderful news and I am very happy for them.

Braking but Not Broken

2010-08-29T11:52:00.002-04:00

Break..Brake...spelled differently but are synonymous in certain aspects, not all.

Anyway...,
After much deliberating and mind changing, I decided to take this semester off.
I did feel somewhat sad doing so, as this was my plan, the reason I moved here to Tallahassee, the next step in my journey. BUT I also felt relieved.
It was a somewhat rushed decision, as I had only three days to decide because of financial aid, but I chose.

Enough about that...how about my excuse?
Feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of the challenging courseload (12 credits= 7 classes for Music Majors), extra emotional lately, scattered, anxious, angry, trapped, and physically ill.
My mental state was just so agitated. I felt like I shouldn't even be driving. SO many students, so little parking, so much noise. And this world felt like insanity. What are we doing? Where are we going? The quality of work inversely proportionate to the advances in technology (and, might I add, my own little hub of technology, my lap-top, is multi-problemed at the moment). The success in school and life inversely proportionate to the level of poverty one was born into. These two things I learned on Monday, over the course of five back to back classes, and they bothered me. All the shit that is going on in the world. What a mess we humans are making. The world feels so out of balance to me...and I feel out of balance to me.

The left side of my body feels heavy, full, tired. The right side feels light, spacious, and energized. I know this sounds strange, but I also think the two sides look different. I think my left ear is lower, my left eye is smaller, my left eyebrow is lower, and my left leg is shorter, to name a few. Even the the sinus passageway in my left side feels different to me....I feel this slight pressure in the back of my throat, the back of my nostril, the back of my neck, my forehead, all on the left side. And of course the tumor scar tissue stuff is on my left side.

SO...anyway, that is just a sample of the kind of madness trying to get my attention. I realize that these are just thoughts, and though it is good to be aware of sensations, it is useless to make too much out of it. Worry doesn't do any good. Unless it is productive worry...productive worry indicates a real problem to be solved and leads one to definite action- a real solution.

Lately...it is leading me to God. Well to read about God, think about God, to remember God. I don't understand what God is...I don't know if "he" is just love and goodness or if he is wrath and evil. I don't think he is wrath and evil though. I don't understand how something/someone that is everywhere and is creating everything could exclude something like evil, which seems to be a real thing here, but when I hear certain praise music on the radio, I have a wonderful feeling. It seems to be love and it seems to be good. And it makes me want to talk to God and ask him for help. I think there must be a reason that I was born into the family I was born into. With parents how they are. I got a card from my mom yesterday with bible verses and an encouraging note. It reduced me to tears. It felt so good to cry though. Am I child in the wilderness longing for a divine parent's protection and guidance...yes, at least, that is how I feel. Is that okay? Is that psychotic? Is it just the way I was conditioned by my culture growing up? I don't know...but I don't think so. I think I felt aware of my helplessness and dependence upon divine help as a child. But also aware of the strength and power that comes through that surrender. I am still that child. And I am in the wilderness. The wilderness of adulthood in the modern world. The wilderness of being in the enchanted field of time and opposites, where nails and hair almost magically keep regenerating, and teeth are like those of an animal, for biting and chewing, eating, surviving....and strangely enough, smiling. One day in the relatively near future, in this field of growth and decay, all that will remain of me will be a skeleton, a skull, and one day even that will decentigrate. What about all I have loved? What about my dreams? What about my madness?

I do feel as though this human personality, body, the conditioned "me"- is very much like a costume. Like this is just a part I am playing right now. Why? To gain experience, insight, for the fun of it? Sometimes things feel so serious and life becomes a heavy load that I am carrying. But what is it really? Isn't everything we are sort of an offering up to the eternal fire? If I don't want to give it, is that really an option? Isn't it given whether I try to withhold it or not? My human resistance can't stop the flow of life. The river of life and breath is going to flow whether I psychologically accept the changes or not.

So...back to God. I had a dream last night that I was in a classroom. There was a girl wearing a shirt that said "surrender." The teacher asked a question and she answered "God."

I also keep having dreams of seeing myself a young child. It is like seeing a movie or old photographs. And what I see is the life in my eyes, the spirit shining through. That is what stikes me about these dreams is something about the spirit shining through the little being.

I am here to serve. In all I do, I am serving God, whether I am aware of it or not. Whether I agree to it, or not. This life energy is all for "him" and it all returns to "him." Might as well open up and let him use me as he will.

Struggling

2010-08-25T20:02:00.002-04:00

I'm having a hard time.

I just heard my grandfather Bill is in the hospital with failing kidneys. I am now even more sad.
Probably because of a surgery recently done to supposedly help him but might've been too much for his kidneys. Stupid hospital medical business probably just did it for their own financial gain. I really hate the world right now. I really hate everything right now.

Classes started on Monday. All seven of them. At least two of them are going to be very hard. Sight-singing and Music Theory III.

I've been very grumpy. Sad and angry, impatient, rude, just all around horrible.

I feel so angry when technology doesn't work, when there are no parking spaces, when people are talking about stupid things. I am having a hard time concentrating on anything.

Yasar is not here. He is out of town. But I think he is angry with me because he won't talk to me.

I am annoyed that my chest hurts, twinges that could be itches, my wound healing so slowly, sweating in my sleep, knots in my stomach.

I am scared. And I am frustrated. And homesick.

I am still wondering if I should take a semester off. But then I feel like I shouldn't...or can't. College is just another business anyway. These classes I am taking are just money in somebody's pocket and out of some imaginary fund that I don't even have. To learn details about music that I honestly couldn't care less about at this moment.

I am such a mess...who am I to be studying a therapy anyhow. I can hardly maintain my own stability.

"Bud Light Port Paradise"

2010-08-22T14:22:00.002-04:00

JK.

That is just an advertisement my internet browser came up with earlier....must've "seen" me typing about my recent..... "port removal"!!! (The kind of port that is used for chemotherapy, that is. A "power port") I had it removed in outpatient surgery last Monday. The trip coincided with a business trip for Yasar, so we drove up to NE Florida together. It was a fun week. Came back in time for Saturday night's "gig" at El Mercadito. Now it is Sunday, the last day before my Fall semester begins...wow! Today I am relaxing and also trying to absorb the set list I will be practicing/auditioning with a local band here tomorrow evening. Some of the songs are quite familiar to me, such as "My Girl," "Every Breath You Take," and "Oh Darlin,'" others not as much (or at all!), such as "Roadhouse Blues," Polk Salad Annie," "Pride & Joy." This band is called "Time Warp." I might start singing with them, we will see how it goes tomorrow.

Tico, the musician I have been playing with for a few gigs, is getting on the road to new musical adventures. I think he has left town. We had a great time playing together. It was educational and inspiring. I would like to include some pics of this as well as from the past week, but the internet connection is being rather fickle. I may add them later, we'll see!

Be Well. :)

Thanks Yasar!

2010-08-13T11:45:00.005-04:00

Chez Pierre 08-12-10

Hee hee, a little Friday the 13th surprise. I'll wait to hear when he sees this! Today I told Yasar that I had gotten the Hodgkin's diagnosis on a Friday the 13th. And he said "I know!" I asked him "Oh, did I tell you that before?" And he said, "I read it on your blog!"

So that was a surprise to me because I didn't know he had read my blog. And he said, "You haven't updated it in a while." So that is part of what prompted me to write today!

I want to say thank you to Yasar because he was such a big help yesterday! He met me at the venue and carried all of my equipment in the rain! He hardly let me help at all. And he watched how I hooked things up so he would know how to help me in the future. How awesome IS THAT? I was greatly impressed. He also bore with me through the entire gig and took me out for dinner afterward. It was very sweet and it made me feel good.

Lucy Ho's after Dervis' FSU graduation

More to Come?

Spooky Friday

2010-08-13T11:08:00.004-04:00

Happy Friday the 13th!

Hope you are all well!

Been thinking quite a bit in general. But more specifically about finding a balance. In several areas. Assertive Ambitiousness vs. Petty Competiveness; Self-centered vs. Selfish; Engaged vs. Neurotic. In one sentence, how does one fully engage with life and not get sucked up into illusions of ego? How does one not get tricked into being unhappy?

Each door we go through the same trap is there, again and again. At least I can speak for me. This seems to be the case for myself.

My tendency is to end up on opposite ends of the spectrum, either I care too much, or don't care enough; I try too hard, or I don't try hard enough; and so on.

I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to make the world a better place. But I get so stuck in my head. Sometimes.

The answer is not escape that cage of over-thinking through over-indulgence. The answer is not to sleep through it.

Well what is the answer? Guts. I am thinking that the answer is guts. Wake up and face the situations that call for a middle path. Go and do the thing, face the person, be in that moment that makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't give yourself a hard time for not being "perfect;" that is just another trap. Your feelings are normal. Part of being human is tension. You don't always have to like it, but you should keep doing it. Because you are alive. Grow through it. See it. Follow through. And try to be kind. Others just might be going through exactly the same tension. You cannot know their inner struggle or lack thereof. Being kind can't hurt though.

The Corner

2010-07-31T19:54:00.002-04:00

...you never know what is around it.

I had an unexpected gig last night. I met someone at a coffeehouse who had a mandolin hooked up to a mini computer, asked a couple of questions, and ended up participating in a gig of a new kind. Well it was music, but it was different. The person I met is a traveling musician, probably in his fifties (?), who has a particular fondness for cuban (/mexican) culture and music. I guess it's kind of a fusion thing, because the gig was at a mexican restaurant but the spanish music went over very well. See, spanish, cuban, mexican, I'm very confused right now, culturally. Anyway I showed up at about seven. The musician, "Tico," wore a hat like the one above and a costume. We had already compared songs- he knows A LOT, and discussed ones we could probably pull off. I shook a maraca and went with him from table to table, seranading people. He played my guitar. He also played mandolin. Sometimes he played the mandolin and I played the guitar. It was very colorful and fun. It seemed to go over very well too. The boss was away on vacation, but if he gets back and likes it, this may become my very own gig. Which I may also look for people to accompany me on! Tico is taking off to head to a different part of the country. He's been playing this place, on and off, for about eight years now. It was such an unexpected experience. I heard some interesting stories and learned some new things. Got some more songs in the repertoire, though there is memorizing to be done, and plenty of it. I even made a little bit of $. All in all, a great night. Things also turned around in another area of my life, my living situation (to put it simply), which I thought was again going to change, but as it is looking now, I may just stay where I am. So, yeah, you never know what is around the corner. One more note...one of my most favorite bloggers passed recently. His name was Barry. Tico's real name is Barry. Just one small synchroncity that rings some kind of bell.

July is Flying By

2010-07-19T18:28:00.005-04:00

Well I have been very productive today so I am now being a little bit lazy, lounging on the couch. The major task that I completed today was officially moving out of my Sweet Bay apartment and cleaning it. I moved myself out of my apartment all by myself. I had until the end of this month, so I just went every so often when I felt like it and took it apart a bit at a time. It took me three visits, I think. The fact that it was a furnished apartment made the moving in and out not really that big of a project. I felt a little bit sentimental leaving that place today, I guess, although I am glad that I am getting out of there. I guess moving out reminded me of moving in, which was a big step, the beginning of my life post-cancer in a whole new town. I am very pleased with the way things are unfolding, though, and glad to be moving along in a positive direction.

I am wow...tired! Let's see, what else, I guess I've lost a bit of weight. People have been commenting on my weight rather often lately. Of course this is supposed to be a "good," thing, but the thing I know is that weight loss is a cancer symptom, so I don't necessarily like hearing that I have lost weight. But my lifestyle has changed quite a bit. I am ALOT more active than I was during treatment and in the months right afterward. I am off of Prednisone, a medicine which causes weight gain. I also drink significantly less than I used to. I think I also have less of an appetite these days, as well. I hardly ever eat at night and rarely have sweets. So it makes sense that I have lost weight. I guess I didn't realize it would be so easy!

I am still completing work for one summer class. It is "Arts in Medicine," the class for which I volunteer at the hosptial. It is going very well.

I haven't gotten my port out yet because it has not worked out with my schedule. I will probably have it removed in August, after my class is complete.

Folio Weekly Article!

2010-07-08T18:59:00.004-04:00

Hi Friends!

I was featured on the cover of a Northeast Florida magazine called the FolioWeekly. It came out this past Tuesday! Pretty exciting, I have to say. :)
It will be online at this address until next Tuesday, so feel free to check it out, if you would like to : http://www.folioweekly.com/
I think they did a great job! Thank you FolioWeekly!

Scholarship Opportunity for YACS's !

2010-07-05T20:28:00.002-04:00

YACS= young adult cancer survivors.

Hey All, especially "YACS"'s,

I recently received an e-mail regarding a scholarship opportunity for, you guessed it, YACS's in need of funding. At our age, who doesn't? This seems like it is at least worth a try! You can read about it here: http://www.thesamfund.org/pages/grants.html . There is a week left before the deadline! I'm going to submit an application. How about you?

Yay, Good News is Good News

2010-06-28T23:18:00.007-04:00

This butterfly was really being very patient with the strange girl holding that weird rectangular shiny thing trying to capture her (on film, that is) this morning. It let me get pretty close. If I got too close, it would fly away a few feet and I would approach at again. At least a few times! It was really pretty, blue and black. Morning walks are nice because it is not hot yet.

I come bearing good news! My scan results are in and they are good! The residual mass is still hanging out, but nothing has grown or changed in any kind of suspicious way. My lungs look immensily better, if not completely healed (the scan Flagler Imaging Center had to compare this one to was from a year ago). SO YAY! Thank you God and Universe. :) Next step: port removal!

Here are a few more fun pics!

My Love & Me

Mom's Love (who doesn't drink at all! which is why this is funny)

Old Friend (and past music manager) Matt Grunewald & Me

Good luck with your journeys, whoever you are and whatever you are doing. If I can get through this and keep on going, I'll bet you can too!

Hip hip horray for family, friends, and clean CT scans!

-Love-

Trip Scan Friends Family Love

2010-06-28T02:16:00.004-04:00

Well it's really early/late right now but I spent almost two hours trying to fall asleep so I am taking a break from that. My plan was to get up early tomorrow because I have a mental list of things I need/want to do. These pics are from this past Wednesday night. We were in Jacksonville. We got a lot done and had fun. I also was able to see a few friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Some of that was pre-planned, but much of it was not. The great thing about St. Augustine is that everywhere I go, I seem to run into friends. It is a small town. There are nice things about that, especially when visiting. I have other pics but I can't get them right now because I left the power cord to my computer in St. Augustine. Maybe I will upload a couple others sometime.

I had a CT scan on Friday, just to follow up. If everything looks good (i.e., no tumor growth or other strangeness), I will soon be scheduling an appointment to have my port removed. I have been in remission for over a year now, which is great.

One of the things I did this weekend was have photos taken for the Folio Weekly, a local journal/magazine. An article should be coming out a week from this Tuesday. I am excited about that. It will be fun to see what they come up with. A friend and fellow musician is writing it, Danny Kelly. I sang a song in the studio with his band Happy Hour, about ten years ago! That is also how I know the other friend who I got to see this weekend, who is in town for a week after spending months in Saudi Arabia teaching English!

It really was a fun weekend. I think Yasar had fun too. We also hung out with my mom and Steve. We had a great dinner at Yamato and then went to the San Sebastian Winery.

I drove home (to Tallahassee) most of the way. I was so exhausted this morning that I wanted to keep sleeping in. A couple of Yasar's friends came over to watch the England Germany World Cup game. I slept through the whole thing but I did dream that I had come out here to watch it with them in an England shirt that Y gave me, and that David Beckham was called in from the side to play in the game. I also dreamt that one of Y's friends was a guy named Anastasia. And he started to play the guitar part to Joni Mitchell's song "California" and I started to sing it. Which reminded me, in real life, that I know that song, because I had totally forgotten about it.

Anyway, that is more for the dream blog really. It is called "You May Say I'm a Dreamer" and I have started writing it, but I haven't figured out how to attach it to this page. I will look at it soon and figure it out.

There are so many things I want to do!

Tomorrow, I will begin again.

What a gift!

I have some sad news. Jerry, who worked with my dad at FSDB just passed away today of brain cancer. He was very nice and also very sarcastic. But very nice. When I went through chemo he gave me a CD mix of songs that helped him through his first battle with a brain tumor. (It was initally a benign tumor but then showed up again years later, cancerous, I believe). It is sad because he was a pretty young guy with a beautiful family. He is not suffering anymore though and that is good. I definitely have his family in my heart and prayers.

Idea Central

2010-06-15T14:28:00.003-04:00

I really just want to write. I think what I am going to do is make a new blog because what I want to write about doesn't really have anything to do with cancer. I just have a lot of ideas right now. The kind of creative energy flow thing happening. It kind of started in the practice room. I was studying for our final practice quiz and started playing some of the chords on the piano...and whoa started hearing musical ideas. Then it occured to me that I could have a page in my staff paper note book where I write down musical ideas in actually four part voicing that might be buds of future songs. So I followed one idea a few chords in. Then stumbled on this other chord which seemed to be the beginning of another idea. And I was thinking about how a composer would compose a piece...how he might start with one chord, then hear where he would like for it to go, but at that point there were probably at least a few options of chords that would fit there, then, with the next chord after that there would be even more possibilities, and so forth which each chord. Though, of course, eventually it would only be natural for that tonic expansion to lead to pre-dominant section...which at that point really has no choice but to go to some sort of dominant chord, probably a cadence. But the composer might then "evade the cadence," perhaps by using a deceptive motion (V to vi instead of the usual V to I). Eventually, though, it will be best to reach that V to I place, because that is what "Western" ears like to hear- it is what is sonically satisfying to us.

I was also daydreaming in class today...for some reason I was thinking about these old BBS's - sort of like really old school Facebook that I used to fool around with when I was ten or so. They were set up sort of like a typical computer format, in the sense of things being organized into folders. Well, each folder was actually like a gateway to more folders, each of which were also the gateway to even more folders. So a person could actually create a kind of maze or hunt, along with other things. I know what made me think of this, I think. The other day I saw a commercial (for a car!) in which the dad hid one note that said to look in the glove compartment, then when the kid looked in the glove compartment, it said to look where you find gummy bears, so the kid looked under the seat, etc, etc, I don't remember the rest. Basically, it was like a map where each step was revealed one at a time. Songwriting- at least how I seem to go about it, when the mood strikes me, is kind of like that. Each segment sort of leads to the next....but there are choices to be made. Very influential choices, the making of which, really give the song its particular flavor. That is how it seemed today. The folder thing...

There is also this other idea that I had. See, I was thinking that could branch of this blog, like I mentioned before. Because I really like to write and it is good for me, and I also like publishing and sharing. And it is an easy way to keep track and order of things written, if that is at all important. I was thinking of two different projects I would like to do. (But who knows if this is how I will do it or if I will actually do this at all). A dream journal is one branch. Another branch would be sort of a place for reflections or analyzing or just free-writing/associating off of either a picture, quote, scripture (from a variety of religious/spiritual traditions), etc. So I haven't really looked into how to go about this technologically, but I don't think it will be very difficult. I have seen other people do similar branching off.

I think that is a good idea. Because, like I said, I still want to write and publish. But, the things I want to write about expand beyond the world of "my cancer experience." That was just one experience out of the many experiences I have had and will have and am having right now.

So, my burst of mental/creative energy overflowed into my also being quite ambitious about transporting a few things I have been wanting to have in this place where I am right now. My keyboard stand, a wireless printer (that I have not gotten working), colored pencils, a sketchbook, and a bunch of other assorted stuff. The only danger to starting these kinds of projects is running short on the energy before finishing the task/s begun when feeling so ambitious. Like...the things I really want to do have to do with these things I transported but there is a lot of prep work to be done, kind of. You know?

Yah. I'm excited. :)

Do tu do tu do tu do

2010-06-08T23:49:00.003-04:00

Hey, online friends. It's been a while but I was looking at at my most recent posts and it made me want to write one! I haven't been writing very much at all, though I have come close. I have recently had the urge to draw/color actually, but I need to find some colored pencils first. And a blank book. I have lots of half or barely started blank books and journals but...where? Somewhere. Different places across which artifacts from life are scattered like the aftermath of a friendly tornado? But I'm here at "my man"'s place. He will never read this so I can write about him. A little bit. He has been on the phone for a long time talking in Turkish so I have no idea what he is talking about. Melodically, I always seem to miss when he says good bye to someone, or ends a conversation, in other words. I mean...it doesn't sound final in the way I am used to I guess. To me, it is like...that was the end? It sounds like they were in the middle of a conversation still. I sort of percieve the music in a similar way...the end is more recognizable..but the end of phrase going to another? A little strange to me...like the music doesn't sound like there is a resting place in between things...a very continuous intensity of musical expression...or something. Maybe I am just full of it. Ha ha. I have challenges analyzing Western music, so I am way out of my league here.

Speaking of music analysis, Theory 2 is going very well. We are now only a week and half from our Final...crazy! I actually got a 100 on the mid-term to my amazement. Go me. :) The extra credit question had something to do with that. My other class, Arts in Medicine (AIMS) has gotten of to a particular slow and drawn out start for me. Today was the first day I actually put in time volunteering at the hospital. I sang songs and played guitar for an hour and a half in the Atrium area (entrance/cafe). It went well and I am glad I did it. I still have about 20 hours to go, but I am now off and running! Well...in a "one step at a time" kind of way. Last Tuesday was going to be my first day of volunteering and the plan was one hour in oncology, then an hour in Diabetes, then a half hour playing in the Atrium. I didn't even make it to Oncology, though. I took the wrong elevator, got off on a random floor (I was actually looking for a supply closet we are supposed to go to first to get activities to do with the patients), then sat in a chair and really felt like crying. I ended up walking out to parking garage and sitting on a cement island thing with my guitar for probably 20 minutes. There was no one else out there. I did my crying, found my car, and drove away. I went to have sushi. Yum. I didn't expect to have such a strong emotional reaction, but I never know what to expect, really! I felt upset and a strong resistance to going to the floor and continuing with what I was supposed to do. I e-mailed my teacher and explained to her what had happened. She was very understanding. She knows me already from Rech Tech last semester. She said that if I wanted to just spend my volunteer time playing in the Atrium for now, that would be fine. This way I can get used to setting a bit more, and when I feel comfortable I can venture on to one of the floors, perhaps oncology. See, I thought that since I had been a cancer patient I would be particularly suited to spend time with current cancer patients, but the thing I forgot was the sadness. I forgot that my first few times at chemo I cried a lot. And during the cancer thing I cried a lot. I had fun times too, but there were some very sad moments of grief. The last time (before this weekend) that I went to the St. Aug Cancer Center, just to get my port flushed, I started crying also. So....as much as it feels during other times that I have "gotten over it," whatever that means, that sadness is still a part of me. It is okay to be sad sometimes, I think that is absolutely fine and normal. But, in the AIMS situation, obviously I am not there to cry! That would not be appropriate. I remember how pissed I felt when the girl who checked me out at the Arizona Emergency place started crying and talking about her brother who had cancer! I even felt pissed when a therapist I went to started crying. It is a strange reaction I guess..the anger...I don't if it was because I felt like they were pitying me or that it made me feel like a lost case or that it wasn't their place to cry, but, "rational" is not really the nature of emotions, and...I diverge. The point is, I am going to have to face this, but I will give myself time to ease into it.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the picture above was taken at Lake Ella here in Tallahassee over a month ago. It is a very pretty area to exercise, relax, have a picnic, do homework, etc. There is also a cute shop there called "Quarter Moon" and an artsy coffee place called "Black Dog."

In other news, I went to see Dr. Warmuth, my onc. in St. Augustine, this past Friday. I had blood taken and was scheduled for a CT scan. The scan will happen June 25. If the scan is clean, then I can have my port removed! Yahoo! The port is nice for some things, like blood work, and if you have to have intervenous stuff like chemo it is a modern luxury (necessity in my opinion!). But...if one is finished with these things then....one would like their third nipple removed please. Anyway, you may be wondering, why a CT, why not a PET? Well, these days, doctors are trying to cut back on PET scans I believe because of the amount of radiation they emit. I think they are also more expensive. I am glad that I am getting checked up on though. I will feel so much better when I see this clean scan!! At least that it what I think.

Okay now it is getting late. And if I stay up late I will get more hungry. And if I get much more hungry I will want to eat. But it is too late to be eating. So I will go to sleep. Oh yeah...and I have a practice exam tomorrow. Details, details.

Love.

It's Raining Sunshine

2010-05-27T19:33:00.004-04:00

Day Before Yesterday

Yesterday

I'm sorry, but rainbows are cool :)

Of Course I Was Kidding About Pooka

2010-05-25T19:20:00.002-04:00

Pooka is always cute.
I miss her. :(

Pooka Really Isn't That Cute After All

2010-05-24T13:32:00.002-04:00

ha. I guess I am still a little wounded that she did not want to spend the night with me Saturday night. She was very cute on Friday night though. Not as cute on Saturday. Well I guess it worked out since I ended up going out anyway.

My mood right now = bad. It is not just my mood, my body is aching, and I am tired of it! I wish I felt better. I have a sore throat again and my left scar tissue stupid dead tumor area is aching as usually. I am a little anxious about what I am going to do if this little cold/whatever the heck it is doesn't go away soon, as I am supposed to start volunteering at TMH (Tallahassee Memorial Hospital) for my Arts in Medicine class soon. As I will be interacting closely with patients, I don't think that being "sick" is an option. I'm just cranky...hmmm and just realized that my "cue"= the letter that sounds like that, but I can't type it, so I can't really tell you...is jammed or something. qqqq there it is...kind of.

It also seems like I heard a lot of bad news this weekend. Bla!

Hope the good mood juice starts flowing soon. Endorphins endorphins endorphins. There is no brain chemical like endorphins, there is no brain chemical like endorphins, there is...well you get the idea.

Pooka Is the Cutest Dog Ever (except Gabe, Rosco, and Koshi)

2010-05-21T23:48:00.002-04:00

Awww...Pooka really is very cute. But I can't leave the other dogs out. They are cute too. But Pooka is here, with me! I "kidnapped" her. She's sleeping right now. I saw this sticker on a car's bumper recently ( parked in the "music" parking garage...of course!), so I looked it up tonight. (I have other pics I want to upload and post, including REAL LIVE TURTLES, but I haven't had the opportunity and/or patience to upload, find, shrink, and save them. And find them again, of course.) "If You Can Read This...Thank a Music Teacher"..so true...and funny because it is music....and we do read music. There are even phrases, periods, sentences, and more. Like text (okay, standard English), music is read from left to right.
I guess with this post, that is the main thing I wanted to focus on, really- how much I am enjoying learning about music and how valuable I am finding it to be....especially to someone like me. I...just...really....really...love music. And learning about a system of how it can work...things that people have discovered, invented, mapped out...however they do it....well, it is just fascinating to me. And I look forward to the moment...but not in a hurry to get to because NOW is quite enjoyable..., when I will actually use what I am learning in my own composition. But even right now...it is fun. To pick out a song and analyze it.....to spend hours pouring over it...it is enjoyable and such a learning experience. I used to do this anyway...but before I did not have the tools that I do now...now I know much more than I did before. And I freaking love it! But, yeah, I really...really.....love music, like I said. Enough that if I were to die too early to learn the things I wanted to learn, try the things I wanted to try, and do the things I wanted to do with it...I could totally see wanting to come back to this place to explore it further. That is just the way I feel about it! I really...really....love music. It is very interesting to me and brings so much color to my life. Even just studying it. I just find music to be...really...very cool.

Turtle

2010-05-14T01:04:00.001-04:00

Showed up at least three times in the past 24 hours. The turtle!

Tired but Okay

2010-05-10T19:35:00.002-04:00

I'm hanging in there. I've been kind of depressed-ish lately, plus feeling pretty tired, but of course I realize that this is temporary...so I'm hoping that it will soon pass. Today I went to class from 9:30 to 12:20...then ate lunch...then slept from 2-5:30...and I feel like I could go right back to sleep now. My breathing is trying to lure me into sleep...if that makes any sense at all. It's kind of like sleep-breathing. I guess kind of good news is that I am going to have to drop my 9:30 class and take it during a later summer semester. I don't have the pre-requisite necessary yet--Theory 2--which I am taking 11-12:20 MTWRF. Other good news is that I have not been having night sweats AT ALL. My chest does feel a little heavy and achy at times, but I like to think that that is because my body is working on dissolving the tumor. The Music Library at FSU is undergoing major renovations...it looks totally different...the entrance is even temporarily in a different hallway. I found that interesting for some reason. Ok. I think it is time to lay on the couch and watch a movie. Yes, that sounds good.

Grades Are In...Bragging Rights

2010-05-04T22:18:00.001-04:00

All A's and 1 B! That = 6 A's and 1 B. I am on the Dean's List! :)

And By the Way...

2010-04-27T19:06:00.003-04:00

Done! Semester 1 @ FSU - Complete!

Woohoo...

Check out these Elephant Ears (at least i think that is what they are called)!

I posted a pic of them a couple of weeks ago, when they were just lil babies!

Numero 26-o!

2010-04-27T18:11:00.012-04:00

So Much Wonderful Bday FUN.
My family threw a Luau in honor of my bday :)

Me & Mom

Jillian Alias & Me

Steve Day and Debbi Day (prime bday conspiritors!)

My bday cake! Chocolate spice cake. Yum!

Me and Dad

Me, Yasar, Heidi, and Dad

My furry child (in grandma's arms).

Thank you family and friends for the best bday ever!

Love,

Anastasia
:)

The Blues

2010-04-22T17:19:00.003-04:00

Got 'em. A mild case.
Pretty much out of nowhere.
It is close enough to that time of the month I guess.
It's sensation. It's a layer of tears blocking my from myself.
Tears that I can't cry.
I had the urge to write a poem this morning. The words were coming
into my mind, there were plenty of them. And the feeling..the creative feeling was there.
It had been a while since the muse has visited me so clearly, with such force.
Oh how I was tempted to sit down and write. To write it down, write it out, follow it through, let it emerge. But I didn't have time. I had other things to do and three classes to attend.
I thought I might have a break during which I could write, but I never did.
And I didn't feel like I could do it around a lot of people...it was the kind of thing I needed to go off by myself or to a quiet corner where I could listen, tune in. Never did do it. Now...I'm in a funky mood. I think I'm pretty exhausted. And feeling a tiny bit of pressure. Ok, I'm stressed. Four more projects/finals to go. Two written exams, one guitar (playing) final, and a seven page paper on...the Blues. More specifically an ethnography paper on my chosen performance/social event, a Blues concert at the Bradfordsville Blues Club, which I attended a few weekends ago. I have a few very good articles/sources I am using, as well as my perspective. The paper is supposed to be somehow argument driven. I have to make an ethonological observation/point and back it up. Well here is a quote from one of the articles I found: "The blues is an impulse to keep the painful details and episodes of a brutal experience alive in on'es aching consciousness, to finger its jagged grain, and to transcend it, not by consolation of philosophy but by squeezing from it a near-tragic, near-comic lyricism. As a form, the blues is an autobiographical chronicle of personal cotastrophe expressed lyrically."
(Quoted in "Signifying the Blues" Robert Switzer.) I don't think I am going to use this in my paper, but it's kind of nice in a depressing kind of way. :P There is a kind of redemption in it, actually. "Pain gives of its healing power where we least expect it." (Heidegger, "The Thinker as Poet").

Life Can Be Fun :)

2010-04-14T18:09:00.009-04:00

Lil' Ed and the Blues Imperial at Bradfordville Blues Club

(just doing my homework!)

Music

Art

Today

Yesterday?

Mushroom Bird's Nest?

I've been spending a lot of time at school lately, like I did toward the beginning of the semester. It's just about finals time...things are wrapping up. I still have many boxes to check off on my "To Do" list, but I am enjoying myself. So recently I was feeling quite overwhelmed but that worried feeling has settled down. Now I have the "I can do this!" feeling going. It's a good feeling. One thing at a time. Step by step. I really do love school. I am glad I will have a little break though. :)

In other news, I am officially off Prednisone! Hallelujah!

My face is looking better too, I think.

My hair is another story...hee hee.

It's just at an ackward length I guess.

It's not that bad.

I got it cut not too long ago.

Now I think I'm just going to let it grow for a bit.

See what happens.

All right all right.

I Miss Updating!

2010-04-10T15:57:00.002-04:00

I am at the FSU Music Library right now. I will be working on my homework momentarily. I haven't had a working ac adaptor for my laptop so I have not been using the computer very much. Luckily, I do have an Iphone so I don't feel completely out of touch...but I do miss being able to type and such. And cannot update the blog through the phone. And have trouble sending e-mails. So...yes I am spoiled. :)

Physically, I am okay. The rash on my face is the most annoying thing...it has flared up with each drop in dosage of the Prednisone. So I am sure it must be a withdrawl from that. I do feel strangely, a lot, but I guess I have mostly gotten used to that. I finally have my intake appointment for Psychotherapy at FSU on Monday. I feel good about that. Doing pretty good about no drinking. Practicing staying with the emotion, thought, situation or whatever it may be...without altering my mind/body. It's not down to zero, but lately more often abstain than indulge. Definite improvment. Really I am too busy to get into too much trouble. I need all the energy and health I can get! Have NOT been having night sweats! Yes! I am happy about that.

I do have a number of things to do before the end of the semester (in two weeks!) and am a feeling a little nervous and disorganized. The solution to that, I suppose, is to apply some organization to what is current relative disorganization. Things are going to come together, they are just slightly...scattered right now. My room was clean, now has gotten messy again. That tends to be the pattern.

My mom's bday is today. Happy Bday Mom!

Looking forward to a break. I would like to focus more on health and healing. Potential creativity/songwriting workshop this summer, I might attend.

Love you people. Be well.

Beauty in this World

2010-04-05T18:03:00.003-04:00

My Mom- I love you SOoOoOo much, Mom!

Happy Soon to Be Birthday.

~~~Beauty ~~~

Deception

2010-04-05T17:15:00.002-04:00

Why is there so much deception in this world?
Why do so many people lie?
The truth may sometimes hurt but lying hurts more.
Lying is just stupid.
I really hate it when people lie.
It is one of my least favorite things.
It is cowardly.
It is just plain stupid.
And it makes me feel sad. :(

The Process

2010-04-05T14:15:00.003-04:00

Just a bundle of energies singing their song.
This one is sad but i'm trying not to let it hold me down.
Not sure why my heart feels so tear soaked and my
eyes want to cry. I don't know if i can say precisely why.
I see the suffering in the world and it moves me.
I see the suffering of my own personality and it makes me feel compassion for my very self.
I see the me that is you and the you that is me.
I don't know why it has to be this way.

i see so many working so hard for peace for transformation of our selves
for release from this mind that constricts and weakens/numbs us to real life
I see it and I am grateful. i see the struggle within myself and I respect the real me
shining through and trying to do the right thing.

fear and sadness are formiddible oponents or are they friends in disguise?
for if i don't break but find it within me to bend i can only become a better me in the end.

i am sorry for the stupid things i have done. bad decisions that were not healthy, i regret them now. i wish i could've seen the beauty of life and what can be. but i was just blinded by my vision of the darker side of humanity. it still haunts me.

but i want to see light. more light. i know that is the strongest part of me. eventually that is all i will be. i trust the process. i'm learning to trust the process. let it happen.

Happy Almost Easter

2010-04-03T15:44:00.002-04:00

More....???

2010-04-03T01:59:00.004-04:00

Forgot to mention.....
I was born on Easter Sunday.
I will be 26 on april 24.
And........................

I act ALOT younger.

Hmmm...and I was NOT born on Easter Sunday.

I was due on Easter.

Have I mentioned lately that Men are awesome?

2010-04-01T18:36:00.003-04:00

Don't get the wrong idea. My teacher DID NOT write that. It was a cutie. They do exist. They do. (Sorry to the nice guys (cuties) I do know...my disbelief and surprise exludes you, obviously).
I asked him if he could print out my homework for me at work and that is what he brought over to me! (Plus a blank one, but he didn't give me that one until he was about to leave...its all about timing..). In case you can't see, it says "Gorgeous Real Anastasia. A+. Very Good."
Ha ha ha ha. What a nut. (That is a compliment, in this context).

The good news is, I am 99% sure he doesn't read my blog. So I can blab a little bit. Good news is good. I'll just say it in the form of a question: Have you ever had a foreign, older (not too much older), handsome, well established, intelligent, funny, etc. man in your life who found you gorgeous? I mean, I'm only human.

A human who really really really needs to clean her room. I mean, it is disgusting. If this (aforementioned) man were ever to see my room (in such as state as it is currently in) he might just run away scared. Okay, any person might run away scared.

Cleaning my room means...I've got to actually clean. Yuck. Time to put some good music on.
Cleaning HAS to happen. It really really must. Like now.

family friends love

2010-03-28T12:41:00.008-04:00

Pooka walked up to me yesterday with all these seeds all over her...

Pooka! You are a nut.

hee hee....(mom and sis) Mom...are you an elf princess?

Dad and me. Me making dorky face.

Me and Tiff/sis. Don't be fooled. She adores me!

Sister is home for the weekend! yah!

Went to brunch this morning with dad, mom, and sis....and who was dining there but my best friend Jillian and her mother! Strange but true....in facebook land Jill wrote on "my wall" this morning...is St. Augustine and Jillian in your near future?? Coincidence..?

By the way...it came up this morning that I put my parents through torture last week because of my blog post (now strewn with "beeps" throughout)...my mom said it sounded like a suicide note. They asked for an explanation of why I was so angry and felt like I was mad at the people who love me the most. I am sorry!!!!! I wasn't mad at you. I was just mad. There is no rational explanation for my anger (aside from chemicals), it was probably completely unjustified, and it certainly WAS NOT PERSONAL. I was just feeling very frustrated and angry. I am much better now.

Appointment with radiologist Dr. Hoppe went well. He told me to stop worrying. And not to binge drink. And not to get pregnant. Okay. I will have a PET/CT in June. If that looks good, THEN I can get my port out. (Port=plasticy purply kind of thing lodged in chest with a tube that goes directly to big vein: purpose= fast and easy distribution of drugs [chemo] into ones system. It is also a way blood can be taken.). That will be a good sign.

Ummm...let's see what else. Down to 5 mgs of Prednisone. Still almost sweating at night. Haven't been drinking, except I had a beer and a glass of wine the other night. I had NOTHING last night. Yay me. Still having "nightmares" about cancer/cancer treatment. Fun fun. Come on psyche...give me more fun dreams please!! Anxiety is doing better, for the most part. I took a Xanax last night. I spent a lot of time with Music Theory this weekend. And thinking about/rearranging/coming up with questions about my schedule (classes) for this summer and next fall. I LOVE school. I love school. I love school.

Did I mention, I love school?

Well I do. And I love my family and friends. You are NOT (I repeat, NOT) idiots.

Especially Pooka! Pooka is especially NOT an idiot.

Pooka is cuteness embodied.

And my internet friends, fellow cancer warriors/bloggers, readers, I love and appreciate you too. I was just re-reading some of your comments. Thank you so much for sharing your insight and experience with me.

Tired is Me

2010-03-24T13:02:00.003-04:00

That's a big part of it really-- I just feel really really tired. And I can't seem to get enough sleep. It took sooo much effort to go to the grocery store and tidy up my apartment (a bit) this afternoon. Laundry and dishes are going to have to be approached at a later time. At school I felt like I could hardly keep my eyes open. And I drank a big cup of coffee. All I could think about was coming home and curling up in bed again. :(
Another part of it is that I am worried my cancer is coming back. Why am I worrying about this? Well...I keep having night sweats..or what seem to be almost night sweats. Like I wake up feeling I was just on the verge of breaking a sweat but hadn't. And a little itching here and there. These are what would be called "B symptoms" and if that is what they are...well..I don't know what the next step would be. I would probably have to move back home and get an SCT. From which I would then have a %50 chance of living five more years. I think. My chest pains also seem to be getting worse.
Ok, not to mention, I am being tapered off of Prednisone after having been on it since this past summer, and it can cause some withdrawl symptoms. Such as anxiety, facial rashes (!), and perhaps even tiredness.
I did not help my cause my binge drinking the other night and a couple of nights before that.
I am seriously pursuing help with that as I realize it has gotten worse with my anxiety and frustration in regard to my health situation.
I would like to be able to see things in the most positive light possible and that is hard to do when I keep sabotoging myself. I could be totally over-reacting regarding the potential "B-symptoms." It is hard to keep my head on straight lately. Plus I really am just so exhausted...mentally physically emotionally. You name it. Tired is me.
I think I need a vacation....

Wow wow!

2010-03-23T17:09:00.003-04:00

What a crazy mood swing.
I'm sorry if I freaked anyone out.
(And oh yeah..the part about everyone being an idiot. I'm sorry! Obviously that is not true~!)
I was really upset last night but I am feeling better now.
Tired, though! Ready for a nap. I will write more soon probably.
Just wanted to say I am ok.

You Know What?...This World Can Go ("beeeeep")

2010-03-22T22:22:00.003-04:00

I'm just quite a bit pissed.
Hello.
I don't mean to be mean, but when it is you that are dying,
I hope you can spare a (beep) moment to go say goodbye and good wishes...
to your (beep) self.
You (beeep) idiot.
Get a life.
All this (beep) is worthless...big time worthless...good luck maybe one day you will figure it out, you big time (beep) IDIOT.
So MANY of you are SO (BEEP) BLIND.
I can hardly believe HOW STUPID YOU ARE.
No offense. Best of luck.
I am (beep).

I Don't Get It?

2010-03-22T00:18:00.002-04:00

I don't understand what is going on with the healthcare bill. I read a little bit about it and I watched a little bit of the protestors and supporters making the case for each side (for and against?), but alas, I am still quite in the dark. We'll see what happens. Tomorrow is another day. Wow, am I tired. I am thankful for another week. May it be blessed and a blessing. And may I figure out the calendar and my schedule for this summer, at least. And write a skit. And not fall asleep during class. Amen.

Go Away Allergies

2010-03-19T16:06:00.002-04:00

Hee hee this was in the practice room at school. This rash is annoying. You can see it a little bit in the pic. That was the point of the pic...thus the sad face. Oh well! I think it will go away soon. The rash and the sad face.

Allergies

2010-03-18T21:06:00.004-04:00

Well I am thinking that I am allergic to a medication that I have been taking. I think it is Bactrim, and from over the phone, the on-call pulmonologist seemed to think so too. I was prescribed Bactrim by my pulmonologist as a preventative antibiotic because I have been on Prednisone since this summer, which weakens the immune system. I woke up today and yesterday with a facial rash. This happened a couple of weeks ago too. It's itchy, red, dry, kind of spotty. It's not horribly noticable by casual veiwer but it is annoying to me. Like I said, it is a bit itchy. And it is strange, my face/skin is usually very clear. The rash is like around my mouth, on the bottoms of my cheeks, over the tops of my eye, around my nose. I was told to take Benadryl as needed and stop the Bactrim. So I took a Benadryl earlier today and passed out HARD. I have been pretty tired recently. I accidentally slept in today and missed a test. It looks like I am going to be able to make it up. I am grateful for that.

I spent a good bit of time tonight working with the adaptor cord to my laptop. It seems that every time I go home to St. Augustine, I come back to Tallahassee with more chewed up spots in the adaptor. Pooka is culprit, I imagine. Maybe she is acting out because I keep leaving her. Anyway, my dad has helped me by using electrical tape to tape up the spots up until now. But I noticed the other night my computer wasn't charging and found what looks like a newly chewed up spot. So I taped it up myself. Not with electrical tape. It is like solid white tape. Not masking tape. I think I bought it by accident when I meant to buy normal tape, around X-mas time. Anyway, though it is sensitive to movement, the cord seems to be working more consistently now. What would I do if I could not use my laptop! It is such a big part of my life these days. Funny. But it is a gateway to all kinds of resources. Quite amazing really. You can start learning about whatever you want...almost instantly, for free (relatively speaking).

Right now I'm learning to play songs on the ukelele. It was gifted to me this past Christmas. I love it! I am learning "Dream a Little Dream," "Ain't Misbehavin," and "Tonight You Belong to Me." The chord positions, lyrics, and videos/recordings of these songs can all be found on the internet. I even tune the uke using an online ukelele tuner. This is just one reason why I LOVE the internet.

All right I'm tired and I have an early class tomorrow, so I'm outta here. Bye for now.

The Lock-er-ness Monster

2010-03-16T21:35:00.003-04:00

Some of us have issues. Some of us have issues with lockers. Some of us had an issue with a locker today. Okay, some of us= me. I am still getting back in the swing of things after the black hole that was Spring Break spit me back out into my Tallahassee life. My brain is still sort of...reving it's engine, I guess? Weird, a car metaphor to describe my mental state, but all right I'll take it. Come on brain, I know you can do it!

For one thing, the missed week was enough time for me to forget my locker combination. I realized this on Monday, but lukily had the code written down (in a top secret location!) However, today was the day when the real trouble began. I had my backpack, guitar case, and most of my book inside said locker. I had finished Advanced Guitar class and had acoustic in hand as I attempted to open this beautiful wonderful locker. No success. After this, I set my guitar down and tried many, many, many more times. I then enlisted the help of a stranger who also tried, with no success. I then carried acoustic up to the next floor to "Instrument Storage" (they assign the lockers) and their top locker expert (ok i may be exaggerating, but she said she was a pro with lockers!) followed me back down stairs. Acoustic still in hand. She tries. Three times. NO LUCK. She puzzles over what to do. We go back up stairs. Still carrying the Acoustic, you guessed it. She makes a couple of calls and says someone would meet me down at my locker (lovely, oh magnificent) locker. This person would attempt to open the locker by key.

He arrives, turns key in lock, vwa-la! Locker magically opens. Then closes it again. I whisper my combination to him. He turns the numbers appropriately, and, again, vwa-la!, locker is once again, miraculously open. What the ____? Apparentally, the problem was that I was passing the second number too many times. Geez Louise. I assume the other people who tried to help me were also making the same mistake. Strange because this has not been a problem for me so far. Oh brain, oh brain, oh brainy brain brain brain.

I was happy because I was finally able to put my guitar away. Thank you sweet Jesus. I like my guitar, but I don't like it THAT much. At this point, I was about an hour late for an appointment at the University Psychology center. I also had forgotten my phone that day. And I couldn't find the snack I had packed. And I was starving and feeling a little racy, speedy, you know? All that running up and down and whatnot. And needing to eat something.

Well, it worked out. I eventually found the place. Spent about an hour filling out forms and fifteen minutes with a grad student doing an "evaluation" of me. I haven't had any counseling since I was dx'd with Hodgkin's (that is actually when I stopped going!) and FSU offers it for a very affordable price. So I figured it can't hurt. Maybe they can help me with my anxiety and alchol affinity. Anyway, it was an interesting and challenging day, as you can see.

I came home and almost right away laid down and went to sleep. I was pretty exhausted! I'm still pretty sleepy.

I'm excited about St. Patty's day. Hee hee. I really want to find something green to wear. I think I will have to time for a quick shopping trip tomorrow. It is for a good cause!

Well one more thing. Please pray for Jeremy and Maggie and their children. Jeremy passed away today of Hodgkin's. He is at peace and the family is grateful for that. But of course they are mourning him and will miss him very much. Please comfort and help them, Lord.

Mad Men (Women?)

2010-03-13T20:06:00.001-05:00

Yeah,,I designed "me"! I'm pretty cool, aren't I??

Yay, Good News is Good

2010-03-12T14:47:00.003-05:00

I am feeling grateful and relieved because my appointment went very well today!
It was worth the hour + wait to hear the good news.
The latest thing with the lungs, the pulmonary pneuminitis has improved by 85-90 %!
That is fantastic news and it means that I can soon start cutting down my 10mg of Prednisone per day even farther! Yes. Within two weeks to a month I should be off of it completely.
The one tiny thing noticed by the radiologist who read my CT scan today, is that the "mass" is the same size as January, but slightly larger than August. Which made both my mom and I go, "Huh?" Does that really even make sense? I guess it sounds like the person who read it in January just didn't notice or something? But I okay in my mind about this because my dad mentioned that he heard tumors (he has a small benign tumor in his ear: it is called ANA) swell when they are radiated. So that would make sense time-wise, since I didn't have rads until October. ANYWAY. Done with the worrying and stress for a while! Sunday I will drive back to Tallahassee and re-immerse myself in the world of Music Therapy and college. I love love love it. Thank you, God, for taking care of me and answering my prayers about today. I like your answer!

Someone Chewed a Hole in My Slipper...

2010-03-09T19:32:00.002-05:00

And her name starts with a "P." Or a "K."
I am pretty sure.
She probably thought my slipper was a stuffed animal.
They are cute comfy slippers from Target...each slipper has a money face...or is a monkey face.
You know?
Wow, I am pretty beat. It has been a crazy Spring Break so far. Crazy is a good word to describe it, I think.
Something very neat though: this weekend I happened to run into Jim Stafford, "chief conspiritor" of Eclipse Studios. He invited me to come be interviewed and play a tune on the local St. Augustine show "Airborne," which is now being filmed at Eclipse Studios.
So I went in and did that today! It was a lot of fun. The last time I was on the show was fun too.
I played a new song. Matt Jeffs did a great job..he has a great personality for interviewing. Asks good questions and is good at conversation. The rest of the "team" was also great.
The show should be up in about two weeks. I will let you guys know and post a link to it when it becomes available. For now, you can check out other shows at www.staugustine.com/airborne.
I had a follow up appointment with my oncologist at the St. Augustine Cancer Center today. Great news: my blood looks good! My counts are normal. Fantastic. And we even discussed the removal of my port! The plan is to see how the CT scan looks on Friday. If it looks good then Dr. W doesn't see why I can't have my port removed! Very exciting.
I don't know if this is appropriate to write about on my blog, but I am a little bit worried about Bill, my grandma's husband. He is in the hospital because he tried to shoot himself. Well he did shoot himself, but nothing vital was injured. He will be in the hospital for at least a couple of days. Hopefully they will be able to help him a lot. With both his physical and mental pain.
Wow, I'm so exhasted.
Spring break is intense, man.
Luv u guys.

Tag, You're It!

2010-03-09T00:36:00.002-05:00

Well....I can't seem to figure out how to link this to other bloggers as is the intention of the whole project, although I honestly which (er..wish) I could. How I recieved this was through way of "Neurons Turn Me On" blog..which I happened upon tonight and saw my name upon the list of "chosen ones"...woohoo..trust me, very exciting. So..I tried to do the same...but am honestly not sure how to do it. SO...if ANY of you see this post...cancer patient, or NOT, just do IT, just post on this topic...planning is NOT a bad thing. Not a bad thing, at all.

TEN YEARS (FROM NOW) ANASTASIA:

I will be 35, going on 36. I would like to have at least my Masters in Music Therapy, perhaps even my PH.D. I would like to be married and have at least one offspring. I would like for everyone in my family to be healthy and happy. I would like to have been already quite successful in music, but even more importantly, to have helped and continue to help other people in other ways. Still, I would like to have learned a lot musically, as well as in other subjects, and to be continually inspired and fascinated by every day occurences. Who could ask for more, really ? Oh yeah, P.S., no more cancer, please. I'll certainly do my best to be a "normal" human being.

Spring Break

2010-03-07T18:21:00.002-05:00

A little vacation is nice...but I already miss school. :P What a dork. I like it. It is not only a great diversion...I am genuinely learning a lot. And it is a very fertile environment. I have three doctor appointments coming up. It is what it is. I will be glad to get them over with I think.

The Thing About Creativity and Life...

2010-03-03T00:35:00.003-05:00

Hmmm..well I guess I was feeling pretty negative yesterday.
Okay, YES, you are right, I was feeling pretty fucked.

Well. Today..even though "my" today is about to end because it will soon be time to get some sleep..hmmm...okay...it is 12:30, I'm planning to get up at 6:30...I should go to sleep ASAP, true.

But...what I was thinking is that creativity and all that comes with it, is a gift. And we should enjoy it untl the last second. YES it can bring pleaure and it can bring pain, but that is what LIFE and what CREATIVITY IS. Pleasure and Pain. It is a swinging pendulem, designed to get you to surrender.

At least that is what I hear.

I really should try to SLEEP.

I hope you all are WELL.

<3 Anastasia

Here's The Deal

2010-03-01T17:10:00.002-05:00

OK, this may sound cheezy or contrived BUT this is how I feel.
I feel like I have been in this relationship with life (you know, me, human, life, life) and these days when I have B symptoms, I feel like, well, I feel like Life is trying to break up with me!
I feel like my teenage life-early adulthood, I was not appreciative enough of life....I thought life was kind of lame....I did not see myself in the context of the whole world...I only could see myself at the time within a very small context, which is sad, but true. And could I really have helped it? I don't know! I "grew up" in a small town. In another sense I was exposed to a very broad context, when I would stumble upon and be attracted to things like the Tao Te Ching (Borders), book on Zen (SJRCC), Joseph Campbell (Jacksonville Public Library). It is strange how I remember precisely where I stumbled on these keys. And not so strange I guess.

I am getting off subject. Life...I feel like I was so stubborn I refused to see the good in it. Or I would see it, and it would touch me, but it would not leave a lasting impression because my own negative thoughts were so strong. I guess I am just sad because now that I see how good it can be and that it is okay to be a creative woman in this world, I can see how I could do it, how I could have a future, a good life, a happy life, well...I feel like life is trying to break up with me.

I am feel like life is trying to say "It's over." And....well I that just breaks my heart.

I want to keep going. I love what I am doing right now, what I am learning, what I am becoming. I love music school, I love the adventure of each day, I love the feeling of creativity within me. It is intoxicating. And I walk around as though I am from another planet. But I don't care. I am just tripping on this human dance. Seriously. But not literally.

Life has just become very trippy...I feel like I am in a video game...and I don't even play video games.

People die all over the world, at all different times, in all different ways. I just can't believe that the end is approaching like this for me. I am so young. Relatively speaking. I am young.

Yes I did stupid things. But you don't understand life, I want the whole thing. I want to finish grad school, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to have kids. I don't care about the pride thing, the ego thing, well maybe a little...I just want to live.

But you are right. I don't want to live..and feel badly. If I am going to live, I would like to feel decently. If I am screwed, well let me be screwed. Sigh.

Maybe the night sweats will stay away.

They did last night, but last night I drank 3 beers. I swear, they stay away when I drink. The night before that I only had one beer. And I sweat...like the old days. It smells like urine, but not nearly as strong. I woke up in damp pajamas... it used to happen practically every night before I was diagnosed. And for a while I just laid there. When I first wake up it feels like my room is saturated in light. It is very nice. May sound strange but that is how if feels...the air feels thick with light. I can almost see it. I woke up with my chest aching also. But it is hard for me to really complain because it doesn't hurt that badly. When I think oh, it might be the "CANCER," well, yes that freaks me the fuck out, BUT I if I don't think of it that way, (as I didn't before I knew), well, it is just another feeling, there of many of them, get used to it. You know?

I am not in terrible pain. If anything, I just intermittentally throw myself into states of anxiety and guilt for the destiny that might be mine. I cannot just act like I do not know that there is a chance that I will die "young"- that is, for an American Girl, in my location, at my time. It is relative, to be certain. I want to make the most of each day I have, yes. I appreciate them now more than ever. It is amazing how thrilled I am to be in music school. Some days I wonder if I am not in Heaven already. But then I realize, "shit, I'm scared shit"...and realize I must still be on Planet Earth. Ah...Life is strange.

Blessings.

God? Universe?

2010-02-28T21:50:00.002-05:00

The Ultimate Tease

God? Universe? Hey, whatdoya say?

I take it a straight answer just ain't your style these days?

Because from here it seems

You're dangling in front of my vision

My highest hopes and dreams

Yet I get the feeling that you are really teasing me.

I imagine that the message I receive from you

Is enough to make anyone break down and cry:

EITHER, you will be quite happy and successful, my dear, enjoying a full, long life

Your days are numbered, poor soul, you are destined by nature to suffer and die.

God? Universe? Now, I don't mean to interfere or criticize,

but don't you find this set up to bear resemblence to a cruel torture device?

Or perhaps breaking hearts and shattering dreams is your speciality.

And you won't let me go, not until you've got the best of me, down on my knees.

God? Universe? It's not that I don't respect and appreciate you,

I just wish I could have more faith in the future, I really do.

That it will come and I will still be here to be a part of it.

I think I want to live more than I ever did

Now that I see how happy I can be.

Now that I see the world is me .

I see my place in it.

And I embrace it.

I just want to stay.

I want to play.

I'm not ready to go away.

It ain't over till it's over

And today is not that day.

At least that is what I have to say

About it, God? Universe?

I Got My Hair Did

2010-02-25T16:42:00.001-05:00

Early to Rise

2010-02-23T04:26:00.007-05:00

I took an Ambien a little while after getting home from Tallahassee Community Chorus rehearsal last night and went to bed quite early! It must've been around nine or ten. So now I am awake early. I had a feeling this might happen and it is okay. I would rather be awake after having a good night's sleep than stay up too late while feeling tired.

In chorus we are singing exclusively Beethoven-composed songs in preparation for our April 11 concert. I will let you in on a little secret...I don't really dig the songs very much...at least not yet. Every single one of them is in either Latin or German and the melodies are not sticking with me. There are one or two that I am finding pretty or interesting sounding, the rest are kind of getting on my nerves. Maybe they will grow on me.

Today in my FSU e-mail we received an invitation to a concert that will be honoring the memory of a woman who taught (and did a whole lot of other impressive things!) there and passed away earlier this month, Beth Newdome. I looked her up, to read about her life, and she appears to have led a very inspiring, full life. Not in length of years, but in things she did. I read that she fought cancer for five years. I wonder what kind of cancer she had. You can read about her life here: http://rocohouston.blogspot.com/2010/02/rest-in-peace-beth-newdome.html .

More about me...ha ha. My moods have been pretty stable...actually, I dare say I've been pretty happy for what feels like a while now. Perhaps it has been a week? Well I started crying a little bit tonight during Chorale practice, but I was feeling pretty tired. Plus I think reading about Beth Newdome might have struck a chord (or hit a nerve). Yes it is inspiring, but of course it makes me feel a little sad too. And of course when I got in the car after Choir, one of the first songs I heard on the radio was about the "good dying young." So I had a good little cry.

I don't plan on dying anytime soon. And I think about having had cancer less and less these days. But it is still a part of my life. It is a real thing that has happened. I have a row of doctor appointments coming up during my spring break (week of March 8). Still got my port. Still got a residual mass. Still taking Prednisone (though I am done to 20 mg!) Feeling pretty good, physically, aside from occasional achiness in the area where the mass is. I have the very very very occasional night sweat. Which are minimal, so much so, compared to what I experienced before diagnosis. The last night sweat I had was also confined to just one location, my chest. Which also makes it distinct from the pre-diagnosis night sweats. People sweat! Healthy people sweat. I try not to give it too much thought. It is what it is. "I Yam what I Yam." (I had a friend who wore a shirt sometimes with a picture of Popeye on it and that statement! At least I'm pretty sure that is what it said. Does that make sense?) I'm rambling.

Enough of that. On to brighter subjects. I am learning so much in school. It is getting the point where I am beginning to see intersections between the different classes I am in, and helpful connections are being made. I am already becoming a better musician, I can tell. It makes all the difference in the world, in my case, to have an instructor. I didn't know what to do to improve as a musician before, although I knew there is always always always room for improvement. Now I am receiving instruction in three different instruments (piano, guitar, and voice) at once, and improving in all of them!

I am also learning techniques for using music with people of all ages. It is called being a "group leader." This class (Music Recreation Techniques) is forcing me to see how I look in front of a group of people (literally, the labs are filmed) and improve my communication/leadership/social skills. Music Rec. Tech. is also building my repertoire! Our midterm involved handing in a notebook with twenty songs for different age groups that we could play on the spot. I selected mostly new material.

Music Theory is opening my eyes to how the Western tradition of music has thought about how music actually works. What it looks like on paper, patterns in the relationships between notes, what makes a melody memorable, how different kinds of chords are built, major and minor key signatures, how to write counterpoint--all kinds of things! And in World Music Cultures...I love this class....learning about music in different parts of the world! So far we have learned about Tuvan Throat/Overtone Singing, Balinese Gamelan, and now we are studying Hindustani Raga. It is very very interesting.

So, if any of you were wondering what I have been up to over here in Tallahassee, there is a little summary for you!

To put it simply, I am feeling creatively, intellectually, and spiritually stimulated. I am in a great environment for the musican AND academic in me. Excited, I am, about the tools I am being given. A lot of good is going to come out of this, I can feel it. And it already is, it already is.

Peace, People.

One Year Ago...

2010-02-19T05:45:00.002-05:00

Was my first day of chemo, I believe.
Crazy! Part of me is already to some extent disbelieving that I am even the same person who when through those intense things (cancer, chemo, radiation). Here I am, one year later, in music school, busy with midterm projects, exams, and practicing voice, piano, and guitar. I am in remission which I hope and pray is permanant. Life is really a wild ride. I will just love, allow myself to be loved, and try to keep my head on straight. Try my best to treat others as I would like to be treated. And enjoy what is here, in each moment to be enjoyed. If I am not enjoying what is in the moment, then I will just do my best to try to experience it as it is. Thank you to all of those who have loved and supported me with your friendship, prayers, and other ways throughout this year. I could not have gotten through this and where I am today without you! God Bless You!

Some People Give The Best Christmas Presents (hint: look for a little yorkie pooka face!)

2010-02-16T20:47:00.004-05:00

This is slightly out of order I am seeing..but so am I, because I am that tired.

8:OO AM Music Theory Exam, here I come!

But not before my early early morning study sesh.

Today was the perfect weather to wear my special yorkie scarf from a special lady who can play the heck out of some cards. ;p I used the poster featured in the picture below to scrape the ice off of my windshield. No worries..the poster has played its role on the stage that is Music Rech Tech at FSU. It is now free to be an ice scraping instrument if I designate it as such. However, merely the poster, by itself was not enough, I had also to enlist the my hand mittened hand, to rub rub rub a reasonably large shape for the safety and accuracy of early morning driving.

Too much cuteness and love.
Between this and the care package I recently received from another of my parent's FSDB community, I'm seriously thinking that I have the best friends and parents and parents' friends in the whole wide expanse of God's good green earth.

Maybe it's the Ambien...slowly losing....consciousness.

Good Night Friends

And Good Night Moon

A Nice Day

2010-02-15T21:50:00.002-05:00

Today was nice, hence the title "A Nice Day."
I woke up dreaming that I was sketching very beautiful illustrations of animals on my Music Theory homework. Much better than I actually draw! It was fun to partake in. One of the animals was a two-headed snow lepoard kind of creature. Pretty cool! Still, or perhaps because of having such a nice dream, I felt a little cranky getting up. I was like that all weekend! (I slept in until 3pm on Saturday and Sunday). But today, I had places to go and things to do, and it was good for me. I picked out an outfit I liked and wore make up today. Doing little things that make you feel good are really good sometimes. Our music theory teacher brought in a special Mardi Gras treat- a very sweet breakfast pastry, some with purple, bright green, and I think even orange, frosting, and sugary sprinkles. We had a review, which was helpful. And he is very helpful with answering questions. The subjects within Music Theory that I struggle with the most are: meter and intervals, I would say. The challenge with timing makes sense to me...it is not unlike a challenge with directions or learning a dance or feeling disjointed from reality in general. Like the whole world is moving and I can't seem to step along in time with it. I understand stuggles with timing. But I also understand that I have the potential to, LEARN new things and new ways of being. Whoa, amazing concept, but it is true. Just coming with an attitude of openess and willingness to see new things, or to see old things, but with new eyes. That is all it really takes, in a sense. That sounds kind of general because I am actually talking about a few things at once. It is hard to let go of patterns...of thinking and being. But we have the strength to do it because of attention. It is still pretty mysterious to me, but I realized today that I had just been addicted to, lately, an anxiety and rather guilty kind of thoughts. When I arrived at Music Theory (it's my first class) and I noticed I wasn't panting for breath as I usually was, part of me took notice of that, even though I have kind of been in a mental funk. Part of me was like, "Whoa, I'm not panting! And my body actually feels pretty good! That is a good thing." And I was grateful. As far as thoughts go...I don't know I just decided to proceed and ignore to the best of my ability. I realized that I have been living alone and I am a creative person. Obviously, as you can probably tell, I think a lot. And I thought...it is just human to create ideas and thoughts if you feel lonely. It is not fair to myself to suggest that I am crazy because I have a lot of thoughts. Or to suggest it to myself in a way that would make myself think that I wouldn't love myself even if I were crazy. (Now I probably really do sound crazy). But I realized that is a huge part...I've got to love myself no matter what. Even if I never do another "worthwhile" thing in my life. I am more than what I can produce or how well I can perform, on any level. How could I possibly treat my own self as a commodity? Acting or thinking from such a poverty-stricken psychological state. Not a commodity exactly...I just sometimes (well often lately) feel anxious/bad about not making any money and being sort of an...ahh, I just don't feel like I am contributing enough to the human race, to my previous or coming or current generation. Like I am taking more than I am giving. But that is a heavy burden of thoughts to put on myself. And today I gave myself a break. Sort of a self-talk. And told myself I would love myself no matter what. And I vaccummed and cleaned. Exercised and ate a good dinner. Went to chorale rehearsal and (tried my best, anyway, to) sing Beethoven music. Now I'm back home and I ate more food. And now, I am tired. So I am going to get ready for bed. Thanks for listening and I hope you all had a good Monday.

Happy Love Day!

2010-02-14T18:10:00.002-05:00

Geez Man

2010-02-13T21:25:00.002-05:00

Well...
As I ate my dinner tonight I was listening to this cassette tape...Gary Zukav reading an abridged version of "The Seat of the Soul" (I got it and another one for a two dollar donation at the Senior Center on Contra-dancing night...long-ish story). And he said something like "there is no difference between acute schizophrenia and a world at war" and I started to wonder, "What if I have acute schizophrenia?" (Talk about self-absorbed! Forget about the world, let's think about me!) Worrying, of course. I guess it is the whole thing about not wanting to be "too creative," "too inspired." I want to be able to get along in the world. The thing is, I know there is a gap between reality and me. And I realize sometimes I perhaps let myself rant too much (mostly in writing, not out loud) about things that may not make sense to other people. And sometimes I notice a lot of synchronicities. But I don't think I am crazy. If I were crazy, would be I sitting here wondering about it, and writing about it in a public venue?...hmmm, I don't know. Probably not! Kind of funny that I am thinking about this right now. One of the songs I am learning for guitar class is "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I like the lyrics. It's a clever song.

I am also in the process of preparing for my Music Theory midterm, coming up this Wednesday. I am a little bit in the "yikes" state of mind regarding this test. It is cumulative and it is timed. And the time segments we are given are, in my opinion, rather short. Honestly: I'm scared.

I should probably stop being scared and get back to work....

Don't get me wrong, I'm having a good time, too. Just a little anxious I guess.

But, On the Other Hand...

2010-02-09T21:58:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah...I forgot to give the point I began making it's fair share. And this I do feel strongly about, relatively speaking. (?). Why would one want to be touched by music? Because MUSIC IS FUCKING AWESOME. In other words, music is a powerful medium. Very powerful, indeed. What did God first speak to create the earth the "Word"---which is vibration---which is sound---which is MUSIC. It is not that much of a strech. I'm not saying God sang the world into existence....I'm just saying, that perhaps there is connection here. And even if there is not, can you not deny that music is not a powerful method of communication. An ironic thing...speaking of communication...I learned this in Vocal Class and need to know it for my test on Monday....the larnyx (voice box) evolved first of all for childbirth, pooping (it's true), and protection against foreign objects and (2) for advanced forms of communication, such as speech! Pretty crazy, huh?! Well, I feel like I am reminded each day that we humans are both animal...and well, something, "else," but...hey, that might be "just me." Though I know it's not.

I guess...if I'm saying anything, it is that, life and, human life, in particular, which I can speak for at this moment, is, well, strange. And I think we are making are best go around at it, which is all anyone can really expect for anyone. Right? So.......here we go. Again?

Life is good.

P.S. Can I please be a musical genius, at least for tomorrow's Theory test?

(in other words, at least "theoretically speaking"). ;)

Wait a Minute...(I mean)...Way Diminished

2010-02-09T21:22:00.008-05:00

Okay, those interchangable phrases came up during theory homework. Working on triads here....in order to figure out the correct chords, one must know the intervals, which are occasionally, in my words, "way diminished"...but there is really no such thing as "way diminished"....although there IS such things as a music theory "unicorn," which is a a diminshed triad of the minor scale (I THINK). Hardly ever happens, according to my music theory teacher, who shapes his hair into a pyramid...at least every day we have class! Um...hmmm..the other thing is that..well...

This homework..it is on triads. I guess I am lucky that I have some familiarity with the keyboard, otherwise, I don't know how I would pull it off, unless I had strong mathematical/strong spatial-reality orientation/solid reasoning skills. Ha ha. Yeah right! Well, I try.

Perhaps I should not make fun of myself so much. I just get lost so much. It is kind of pathetic.

Well....I have to say...people can be freaking nice. "The kindness lavished [by] strangers is more than I can explain" (Ani Difranco says [upon], I believe.)
I don't know what I should say exactly, except, yeah "Genghis Blues!"
Seriously, if any of you would like to get together and watch this film, let's do it.
It is within my power.

Something like that.

Well, on another note, being in music school is enough to make anyone wish they were a genius...and yet..please not "too touched"...not "too inpsired." It is very strange. I see people walking down the hall who I only guess have their wits less about me than I, which is a scary thought. No...not really...honestly, I empathize with these...almost too much for my own comfort and sense of sanity! Who really is sane, anyway? Any human situation is quite vulnerable to some kind of "insanity." I don't know if it makes it easier whether a culture thinks of itself in terms of the "individual" or "group." I was having such a discussion today. And I don't know...in other cultures and in other times..different states of consciousness were even considered acceptable realities. Whereas, here and now, today, they are not.

So, yes, it is a "Strange Condition"....as some (i.e., Pete Yorn) might say.

But...yeah....could still use more of the postive....life supporting...genius qualities here...thanks. :)

On the other hand.....I am just pretty darn lucky. Still want to get by and do a good job, though. I want to do my best, you know. This damn culturally ingrained sense of individuality.....so much pressure. ;) I remain grateful. I know I've got it good, and if I had any idea how good, I'd probably shut up right now, once and for all!

Well, maybe.

Here's Something

2010-02-08T21:06:00.002-05:00

I'm frustrated. And tired.
I am happy with the idea of what I am doing and I am glad I am doing it, but I worry a lot.
Not just about my health.
I worry about if I am keeping up with my classes, if I am understanding enough, if I am retaining enough, if I am trying hard enough. Well, trust me, I am trying. Pretty hard.
I wake up at 6:30 every (week) day after all. That, for me, is a big accomplishment.
I realized tonight that I haven't even watched a whole movie, like a fun movie, since I've moved here to Tallahasee. I have seen two documentaries, but they were pretty heavy. Good, but heavy.
I want to keep it positive. Not be all intense about it. But I want to do a good job.

I am also frustrated because today Dr. Warmtuth's office (St. Augustine Cancer Center) called me while I was studying to tell me that my blood looked good (I guess this must be from, not this past weekend, but two weekends ago) except my blood sugar was high. I thought I wrote the number down but now I am questioning that since I cannot seem to find it. I think Cheria (his assistant) said 166. Something like that. This is one of those undesirable Prednisone effects. Apparently having high blood sugar can make one feel lousy and having high blood sugar for long periods of time can also lead to Diabetes and Diabetes can lead to all kinds of other things! Being a human can be so complicated, can't it? And of course, I'm thinking...please not more things to keep track of! Not that I have so many....but I have enough of a challenge with the things I do have, trust me!

So....I need to take life less seriously....yet more seriously. Hmmm.

Maybe I should just watch a good movie and call it a night.

Yeah, right. Well, maybe.

Oh yeah...wow...I had more to complain about but I wasn't even going to!
I forgot.
It may help me if I do.
I was also going to say (1) that every day my chest hurts...and Dr. says that might just be permanant as I do have a significant (in proportion to my body, that is) mass still in my left mediastinum area ; (2) that the end of last weekend/last weekend cut down the Prednisone to 20 mg per day (which is actually great news, especially in light of this high blood sugar business). But it can cause mood swings ; which leads me to (3) mood swing central here. Kind of. Or else I am just losing it.

It's kind of funny how you just have to ultimately accept whatever is happening with you. I mean, I can complain about it, and I do, here and there, which is probably healthy. But mostly, I guess, I just do what I assume everyone else is doing. Everyone is carrying some kind of burden. I think. And I assume that we just do the best we can. I still smile A LOT. I smile at a lot of people every day. And I find myself walking around smiling. Even though some part of me has recently been in or will be in some kind of mental distress soon, maybe even at that very moment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? Well I may sound crazy, but I see the humor and well, I guess what some people might call the "insanity" of my situation, and the human situation.

I don't fully see it, but I see enough of it to make me laugh. And sometimes cry.

But most of the time I just daydream. A lot.

Dogs and Life

2010-02-08T15:10:00.008-05:00

It took me long enough to come up with that title. I hope you don't expect too much...though that it is a wonderfully exciting title (just kidding.) I drove to St. Auggie this weekend. Mostly because I was missing home. It was great to spend time at my mom's with the dogs and see my family. Pooka kept me company while I was doing homework, as you can see.

Well if you can believe this, and even if you cannot, mid-terms are next week. Wow, isn't that great.

It is. I will be so proud of myself when I make it through the semester. I plan on it, of course.

Houston, We Have a Problem

2010-02-07T16:17:00.003-05:00

Well not really a huge one, but what can I do if I can't complain?

My "problem" is with the American Indian Courting Flute.

I want to use it to do my Group Instrumental Application for Music Rec. Tech. on Tuesday.

Does that make any sense? I certainly hope not.

(Hee hee. Just kidding.)

The problem is, I need a clear G note...and G and F are sounding exactly the SAME.

No good. They have got to be distinct.....precisely a whole step apart, for this to work.

Or...I need to find a different instrument to use.

To update you on health things....my little lung thing that I was recently so concerned about turned out to be just a cold! And it is almost completely better!

So, things are good. :)

And I am grateful. :)

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

(And Happy Birthday, Steve Day! )

Words of Wisdom

2010-02-04T21:42:00.003-05:00

"The Buddhas, therefore, or the state of Buddhahood, represent the highest reality, and those who want to realize it, have to follow the example of the Buddhas: the Boddhisattva-Path, in which there is no place for escapism, no running away from discomfort and suffering, but, on the contrary, the recognition, the understanding and acceptance of the fact that perfect enlightenment cannot be attained without the readiness to take upon oneself the suffering of the world."

"...To take upon oneself the suffering of the world, does not mean that one should seek suffering, or that one should glorify it, or inflict it upon oneself as penance, like certain ascetics among Hundus and Christians. This is an extreme, which should be avoided as much as the over-emphasis of our own well-being. The Buddhist attitude flows from the inner urge to identify oneself with all living and suffering beings. This attitude does not only prevent us from laying too much stress on our own suffering- which would only strengthen our ego-consciousness- but it actually helps us to overcome it and minimize our own suffering."

"...[the Buddha] knew that only by going through the purifying fires of suffering can one attain the highest enlightenment and become fit to serve the world. His way was not to escape suffering, but to conquer it (this is why the Buddhas are called "Jinas" or 'Conquerers'), to overcome suffering by facing it bravely and seeing it not only as a personal affliction but in its totality, as the common fate of all living beings.

It is in this spirit that the Bodhisattva's vow is taken by all those who want to follow the sacred path of the Buddhas: 'I take upon myself the burden of all suffering, I am determined to endure it. I do not turn back, I do not flee, neither do I tremble. I fear not, I yield not, neither do I hesitate. -And why? -Because the deliverance of all beings is my vow... I am working for the establishment of the incomparable realm of knowlege among all beings. I am not only concerned with my own salvation. All these beings must be rescued by me from the ocean of samsara by the vessel of perfect knowledge.'

"The attainment of this state of salvation implies the overcoming of all narrow individual limitations and recognition of super-individual realities within one's own mind. It is the most universal experience the human mind can attain, and from the very outset it demands a universal attitude; for he who strives for his own salvation, or merely with a view of getting rid of suffering in the shortest posssible way, without regard for his fellow-beings, has already deprived himself of the most essential means for the realization of his aim.

"Whether it is objectively possible to liberate the whole world is beside the point- firstly, because there is no such thing as an 'objective' world for the Buddhist, since we can only speak of the world of our experience, which cannot be separated from the experiencing subject; secondly, the state of enlightenment is no temporal state, but an experience of a higher dimension, beyond the realm of time."

"It is in the very nature of enlightenment that it tolerates no exclusiveness (which, indeed, is the root of all suffering), neither on the way towards its realization, nor after its attainment - because it radiates without limits and without exhausting itself, allowing others to participate in it - like the sun which gives its light without restriction to all who have eyes to see and sensitiveness to feel its warmth, or organs to absorb its life-giving forces.

And just as the sun, while illuminating the universe impartially, acts in different ways upon different beings, in accordance with their own receptivity and qualities, so the Enlightened One - though he embraces all living beings without distinction in his mind - knows that not all can be liberated at the same time, but that the seed of enlightenment, which he is sowing, will bear fruit sooner or later according to the readiness and maturity of each individual.

But since to an Enlightened One time is as illusory as space, he anticipates in the supreme experience of enlightenment the liberation of all. This is the universality of Buddhahood and the fulfillment of the Boddhisattva-vow through the 'Wisdom which accomplishes all works', the Wisdom of Amoghasiddhi.

This All-Accomplishing Wisdom consists in the sythesis of heart and mind, in the union of all-embracing love and deepest knowledge, in the complete self-surrender to the highest ideal of human striving, which finds the force for its realization in the fearless acceptance of life's sufferings. For fearlessness is the gesture of Amoghasiddhi.

He who, inspired by this attitude, takes upon himself the Boddhisattva-vow at the feet of the Buddha, in the eternal presence of all the Enlightened Ones, may remember Tagore's deep-felt words:

'Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers

but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain

but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield

but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved

but hope for patience to win my freedom.'

SARVAMANGALAM!

Blessings to ALL!"

(Lama Anagarika Govinda, "Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism," pp.277-280)

Life is Good When You're Inspired/Thagard

2010-02-04T15:26:00.003-05:00

Well I have had quite the adventure today.

In the student health center at FSU (Thagard) they had the worst tv show ever playing in the waiting room. It is weird because I KNOW i have seen the beginning of it before. Tbe same exact show. I don't know when, I don't know where (probably that same freaking place...they probably have it looping infinitely to torture people. Maybe they are trying to scare people away. Less to deal with), but, unfortunately I had seen part of it before. It was a like some kind of horror documentary show. It was based in this bar somewhere where people have english (?) accents, supposedly the place is haunted. One of the waitresses finds a severed hand in this gross big rubbermade box filled with red jelly. "Someone put a hand in me jelly!" And then the bartender is like..."I know! Let's play a game!" And then they start messing with the Weejee (sp?) Board. Then call in a cheesy psychic personality. The acting is really terrible. And I was trying to study. It was grating on my nerves. Why are they showing horror to sick people....and even worse BADLY done horror?

I ask you that.

The doctor, Dwight, was very nice. There is actually a poster in the elevator and he is on it! I had to take the elevator to get an x-ray taken in the basement. I recognized him in the poster, so I asked him if that was him and he told me it was. Funny. My chest x-ray is impressive. I think they were a little bit fascinated by me. The port looks funny. Like a little triangle with a long tail. My lungs were listened to and a sample was collected. Sputum. Oh the joys. (Hee hee..the whole time I was in the hospital they had "Sputum" written on a white board outside my door because it was the one sample they could not get from me. I'm not sure why, or even if, that is funny.) Well....I have to mention it because there is something interesting about it. I am the first student that they have ever ordered this particular kind of test be done on...a sample of that student, that is. Sorry. It is a test for genetic markers and it will show if there is any disease. A radiologist will also be looking at my x-ray. Dwight told me to take the day off and come back for a follow up appointment tomorrow. He also recommended that I get a local pulmonologist here in Tally, which is a great idea. They said my case was a "little over their heads." They were extremely helpful and nice, though.

Yeah so I feel okay. Just tired. And my lungs are "gurgling" a bit. Rumbling, bubbling, fizzing. I don't know. But the good news is that it did NOT look like fluid in the lungs, which is what I was all tripped out about last night! Which is fantastic news.

There you have it. :)

Tallahassee Gallery

2010-02-04T14:58:00.006-05:00

Hee hee

2010-02-04T08:10:00.004-05:00

Just showin off my crazy hair and cool new FSU shirt...:)

Lung Lady

2010-02-03T19:39:00.003-05:00

You know the sound when the water has been turned off to the faucets but you are turning the wheel to turn it on anyway? Or the hose outside. Same kind of sound. That is what it sounds like in my chest when I breathe out. If I stop breathing out and just hold my breath the sound keeps going. It is weird. It's like a rumbling bubbling vibration.

It has sort of been going on for a few days. But I have also been fighting a cold/cough thing so...you know. I did call Dr. Hoppe today. And he said he is not worried about me, that he thinks it is a virus since I don't have a fever, and am coughing stuff up (sorry if that's TMI). So I didn't feel concerned about it anymore. But now I am feeling a little anxious about it.

I don't even know if I should tell you guys this but I had a weird dream a few years ago in which a hamster in my care died from fluid in its lungs! This was before I knew anything about Hodgkin's, lungs, or anything like that. So tonight I just started thinking about that dream. And part of me is like..maybe that is a warning. The other thing is, I mentioned fluid in the lungs on the Hodgkin's forum, to see if other people have had it, and how they knew they had it, how long before it had to be treated, etc.., and three people told me practically to go to the ER.

Soooo....yeah. I am thinking I will have someone take a listen tomorrow, at school..we have a clinic. At least to help set my mind at ease. And I don't want to be irresponsible, you know. Heaven forbid.

All right, back to the homework.

By the way, please don't worry.

Be happy. And nice.

Oh Potatoes

2010-02-01T16:48:00.002-05:00

Something funny: I don't know where those potatoes came from. I mean...I strategically arranged them, of course, but how did they get into my groceries? I did not shop for potatoes. I'm pretty sure I didn't pay for potatoes. Hmmm...wait lemme check my receipt. (oh yeah...i had to give my reciept to the pharmicist so he could give me aleve. Apparently Aleve is this hardcore drug or something. There is a whole process in order to get it. I had to sign my name and stuff.) I got two gallons of water, two cans of soup, a box of Aleve for headache/sinus, and two headbands. When I came upstairs to my apartment and put my groceries down, alas, POTATOES!
So eventually I had to at least try to do something vaguely entertaining with them.
I could cook them, I guess.
My body is all fucked up guys.
My chest hurts. But this is the least of things.
I've got to start cutting down Prednisone tomorrow...take it to 30 for a few days...then to 20, until the 15th or so. Then, I don't really know what I am supposed to do. But I'll figure it out.
I was a little nervous about taking the Aleve because it says it can cause stomach bleeding when mixed with steroids but Kerry, Dr. Hoppe's assisstant, said a little bit would be okay. (Not stomach bleeding...the Aleve).
My head is like a big balloon.
Supposed to teach a "bluebird dance" tomorrow for Music Recreation Techniques.
Should be interesting.
I feel really strange!
I've been crying a lot today.
Not as much since I got home.
The parking lot of the grocery store.
That is a very neutral space I guess.
Or else it must be damn heartbreaking to me.
I am wearing my Relay For Life "Survivor" shirt today.

Wahhhh!!!!!

2010-02-01T15:19:00.002-05:00

I want my mommy!

(Just kidding?)

True Beauty

2010-01-31T22:38:00.003-05:00

This is IT!

My beautiful divine mother.

There is no greater love.

Reality (mixed response)

2010-01-31T21:38:00.003-05:00

Bites. Sometimes. In some ways. It just really does.
I don't want my friends to suffer....I don't want anyone to suffer!
We have had a lot of "bad news" in our Hodge Community recently.
I feel a little weird even writing about it because...is it really my business?
Well it sure is a heavy presence in my mind.
I guess it is my business because these are friends.
And I also have had Hodgkin's. Heck, I still have my port.
And I'm still on Prednisone.
This should give me some permission to speak.
Yet I feel unworthy. Haven't suffered enough or something.
Weird! Well I never claimed to be normal.

Listen, it's been a year.
Tomorrow is February first, two thousand and ten.
A year ago was the day that I went to a walk in emergency clinic in Arizona and was told that I had a tumor. February thirteenth (friday the 13th), was the day I was told it was Hodgkin's, stage 2B.

I have a lot to be grateful for. That is for certain.
One of these things is that I have had the opportunity to make new friends...good friends.
And I have had friendships strengthened.
I have had priceless beautiful moments. I have been comforted when in pain. I have been in good company. I have a cute and wonderful puppy friend Pooka. I am in remission. And here I am in music school in Tallahasseee! Not to mention....my parents and family have been simply amazing. I cannot express my gratitude for the love and care shown to me by my parents. It just blows my mind how I am as blessed as I am to have the immense support net work that I do.

I really am incredibly lucky. And for these blessings and many more, I bow down in gratitude.
I have been given so much.

So, sorry, this is mixed. I wish I could give you a straight-forward glimpse at my state of mind and reflection upon this past year. But, as often is the case with me, it's not black and white. I'm heart broken and rejoicing at the same time, honestly. I am immensely grateful and also deeply saddened. There is no way to pretend that suffering is not real. Suffering is real. And there is no way to avoid it. But love is also real. And for that...I am grateful.

Counterpoint and Other Matters of Immense Importance

2010-01-28T22:52:00.004-05:00

Okay, well, the other day, after Music Theory (MUT 1111), (8AM), if one were to perchance walk outside of HMU/KMU that one would have seen and heard this magnificant display. Perhaps "magnicfiant" is too descriptive a word for you. Well...everyone that I encountered while observing this display of birds flying wildly around and around about the music buildings, were similarly...impressed. The responses I observed around me ranged from "this is weird" to "this has been going on for the past hour..weird...this is unusual." Basically, it was unusaual. Unuasual is the key word here. I think this was two days ago, but I can't be sure....I can if I REALLY think about it...why not...IT WAS MONDAY.

Okay, well there you have it!

Yeah.

On and on and on and on and on...we go...it goes....it/you keep/s going......

What else are we gonna do?

I LOVE YOU ALL (intensely).

I'm Working...

2010-01-27T07:16:00.003-05:00

on my crazy musician look.....

it's also the...I just recently crawled out of bed look. :)

Genghis Blues

2010-01-26T20:32:00.006-05:00

This is one of the best films I've seen in my entire LIFE. I highly recommend seeing it!

Oh Brother

2010-01-25T15:47:00.002-05:00

The last time I expressed my frustration regrading a technical difficulty on this blog (the "three-hole-punch" to be specific), it was resolved. Perhaps it will work again!?Come on, Brother wireless printer, print me my Hakuna Matata chords/lyrics.
Please?
I'll be your best friend. :)

Unity Concert and Such

2010-01-23T23:26:00.006-05:00

Ha ha...what a brat. Can you tell I've been a little moody? I was honestly not trying to look gloomy...but oh well. I've been on the Prednisone (the 40mg dose) for perhaps 4 or 5 days now, and I think that has something to do with it. Though, being sad or whatever sometimes is just a part of life...perfectly normal. Best to just go through it.

I get in this place where I just worry too much about not being capable of doing something...or good enough to do something. It is such bull****. I'm sorry, but it is. I am doing everything I should do. Working on my work..doing the things I am supposed to be doing, and not doing too many things I am not supposed to be doing. I'm just a simple human. That's all I am.

Of course there is God's light in me, like there is in every one else, and every thing else, really. And it's beautiful to see, feel, experience. It can also be lonely. How can something that is in every one and every thing make one feel so lonely? That doesn't makes sense.

I am making friends...it just takes time. Maybe I should be a little more outgoing. I have a lot on my mind a lot of the time. But I can let that go to experience someone else. I can drop me. But that is not the way to do it. Have to stay centered in me and be strong/stable enough to experience/reflect the other. I have had a hard time with this balance throughout my life. Everyone probably does. I am capable of empathy to the extreme, though, so it tends to be especially tricky for me...to differentiate sometimes...between self and other.

Well, it's all a learning experience.

Will I go to church tomorrow? I would like to, I think.

(We were supposed to park in the shopping center nearby. Which landed me right in front of a Sushi place. I was about 20 minutes early. How could I say no to sushi/saki??? Like I said earlier: simple human= Anastasia Spiecker. What else can I say? Cute ceramics, huh?)

("Walk in My Shoes" [composed by our director!] time= 4:24!)

(SOUL) Bradfordville First Baptist Church. Saturday, January 23, 2010

[took this from the back row 1st Alto section while waiting..]

For the LOVE of GOD

2010-01-23T13:44:00.001-05:00

WORK!!...pretty please?

That Face!

2010-01-22T21:53:00.004-05:00

I miss Pooka's sweet little face!!

What an angel.

I am kind of "homesick" in general.

It's the weekend, you know...well practically.

I had kind of an "off" day.

This morning I looked in the mirror and thought my neck was getting fat and wrinkled.

This upset me at different points through out the day.

But tonight it doesn't look that way to me as much anymore. Yet I walked around feeling self-conscious about it. I'm so superficial! Kind of. When it comes to myself, most of all, I guess.

I don't think I did very well on the Music Theory quiz. :(

Then "counterpoint" introduced...which is tricky.

It doesn't help that I am not at my sharpest in the morning and the Prednisone upsets my stomach a little bit. After class I forgot to pick up this DVD I was supposed to pick up..I can do it Monday.

I'm a little frustrated about the Prednisone I'm taking and the question of how much I should be taking. I'm a little frustrated with myself. I drank a bottle of wine today. Oops. It did not help my mood. I wasn't planning on drinking the whole thing...it just kind of happened over the hours. I'm a bad girl sometimes. I feel fine now, just a little disappointed in myself.

Well I did do something good today. I went grocery shopping. I stocked up on healthy foods.

In general, I've been very good. I was just bad today. And I think it was because I was worried about counterpoint. That is pretty silly. Oh yeah, also a little bothered about the whole Prednisone thing. It makes me a little angry. The medicine and the uncertainty regarding it! The side effects from long-term Prednisone I read about online do not sound fantastic. I don't want a pituitary gland tumor. I don't want "truncal weight gain." I don't want to develop a hump on the back of my neck. When I think about all these preferences, I feel anxious. Ultimately, these things don't matter. It is ALL TEMPORARY. But it is hard to keep that in mind sometimes, when I feel upset and out of control (of the situation).

I know the more consciously I live my life...without running....even when I am worried about class or truncal weight gain or whatever the heck it may be...the happier and better I feel. I have noticed this. I just need to keep it all in perspective, not do the wine thing again for a long time (because it makes me sad and it is not good for my body to consume so much!), and enjoy the beauty of being alive. I am SO lucky, blessed, loved, and taken care of. My life is here, now. I don't want to miss it.

Keys 2

2010-01-22T07:14:00.006-05:00

Keys

2010-01-22T07:04:00.003-05:00

Pouring!

2010-01-21T06:58:00.003-05:00

"Every action in our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~Edwin H. Chapin~