But, On the Other Hand...

Oh yeah...I forgot to give the point I began making it's fair share. And this I do feel strongly about, relatively speaking. (?). Why would one want to be touched by music? Because MUSIC IS FUCKING AWESOME. In other words, music is a powerful medium. Very powerful, indeed. What did God first speak to create the earth the "Word"---which is vibration---which is sound---which is MUSIC. It is not that much of a strech. I'm not saying God sang the world into existence....I'm just saying, that perhaps there is connection here. And even if there is not, can you not deny that music is not a powerful method of communication. An ironic thing...speaking of communication...I learned this in Vocal Class and need to know it for my test on Monday....the larnyx (voice box) evolved first of all for childbirth, pooping (it's true), and protection against foreign objects and (2) for advanced forms of communication, such as speech! Pretty crazy, huh?! Well, I feel like I am reminded each day that we humans are both animal...and well, something, "else," but...hey, that might be "just me." Though I know it's not.

I guess...if I'm saying anything, it is that, life and, human life, in particular, which I can speak for at this moment, is, well, strange. And I think we are making are best go around at it, which is all anyone can really expect for anyone. Right? So.......here we go. Again?

Life is good.

P.S. Can I please be a musical genius, at least for tomorrow's Theory test?

(in other words, at least "theoretically speaking"). ;)

Wait a Minute...(I mean)...Way Diminished

Okay, those interchangable phrases came up during theory homework. Working on triads here....in order to figure out the correct chords, one must know the intervals, which are occasionally, in my words, "way diminished"...but there is really no such thing as "way diminished"....although there IS such things as a music theory "unicorn," which is a a diminshed triad of the minor scale (I THINK). Hardly ever happens, according to my music theory teacher, who shapes his hair into a pyramid...at least every day we have class! Um...hmmm..the other thing is that..well...

This homework..it is on triads. I guess I am lucky that I have some familiarity with the keyboard, otherwise, I don't know how I would pull it off, unless I had strong mathematical/strong spatial-reality orientation/solid reasoning skills. Ha ha. Yeah right! Well, I try.

Perhaps I should not make fun of myself so much. I just get lost so much. It is kind of pathetic.

Well....I have to say...people can be freaking nice. "The kindness lavished [by] strangers is more than I can explain" (Ani Difranco says [upon], I believe.)
I don't know what I should say exactly, except, yeah "Genghis Blues!"
Seriously, if any of you would like to get together and watch this film, let's do it.
It is within my power.

Something like that.

Well, on another note, being in music school is enough to make anyone wish they were a genius...and yet..please not "too touched"...not "too inpsired." It is very strange. I see people walking down the hall who I only guess have their wits less about me than I, which is a scary thought. No...not really...honestly, I empathize with these...almost too much for my own comfort and sense of sanity! Who really is sane, anyway? Any human situation is quite vulnerable to some kind of "insanity." I don't know if it makes it easier whether a culture thinks of itself in terms of the "individual" or "group." I was having such a discussion today. And I don't know...in other cultures and in other times..different states of consciousness were even considered acceptable realities. Whereas, here and now, today, they are not.

So, yes, it is a "Strange Condition"....as some (i.e., Pete Yorn) might say.

But...yeah....could still use more of the postive....life supporting...genius qualities here...thanks. :)

On the other hand.....I am just pretty darn lucky. Still want to get by and do a good job, though. I want to do my best, you know. This damn culturally ingrained sense of individuality.....so much pressure. ;) I remain grateful. I know I've got it good, and if I had any idea how good, I'd probably shut up right now, once and for all!

Well, maybe.

Here's Something

I'm frustrated. And tired.
I am happy with the idea of what I am doing and I am glad I am doing it, but I worry a lot.
Not just about my health.
I worry about if I am keeping up with my classes, if I am understanding enough, if I am retaining enough, if I am trying hard enough. Well, trust me, I am trying. Pretty hard.
I wake up at 6:30 every (week) day after all. That, for me, is a big accomplishment.
I realized tonight that I haven't even watched a whole movie, like a fun movie, since I've moved here to Tallahasee. I have seen two documentaries, but they were pretty heavy. Good, but heavy.
I want to keep it positive. Not be all intense about it. But I want to do a good job.

I am also frustrated because today Dr. Warmtuth's office (St. Augustine Cancer Center) called me while I was studying to tell me that my blood looked good (I guess this must be from, not this past weekend, but two weekends ago) except my blood sugar was high. I thought I wrote the number down but now I am questioning that since I cannot seem to find it. I think Cheria (his assistant) said 166. Something like that. This is one of those undesirable Prednisone effects. Apparently having high blood sugar can make one feel lousy and having high blood sugar for long periods of time can also lead to Diabetes and Diabetes can lead to all kinds of other things! Being a human can be so complicated, can't it? And of course, I'm thinking...please not more things to keep track of! Not that I have so many....but I have enough of a challenge with the things I do have, trust me!

So....I need to take life less seriously....yet more seriously. Hmmm.

Maybe I should just watch a good movie and call it a night.

Yeah, right. Well, maybe.

Oh yeah...wow...I had more to complain about but I wasn't even going to!
I forgot.
It may help me if I do.
I was also going to say (1) that every day my chest hurts...and Dr. says that might just be permanant as I do have a significant (in proportion to my body, that is) mass still in my left mediastinum area ; (2) that the end of last weekend/last weekend cut down the Prednisone to 20 mg per day (which is actually great news, especially in light of this high blood sugar business). But it can cause mood swings ; which leads me to (3) mood swing central here. Kind of. Or else I am just losing it.

It's kind of funny how you just have to ultimately accept whatever is happening with you. I mean, I can complain about it, and I do, here and there, which is probably healthy. But mostly, I guess, I just do what I assume everyone else is doing. Everyone is carrying some kind of burden. I think. And I assume that we just do the best we can. I still smile A LOT. I smile at a lot of people every day. And I find myself walking around smiling. Even though some part of me has recently been in or will be in some kind of mental distress soon, maybe even at that very moment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? Well I may sound crazy, but I see the humor and well, I guess what some people might call the "insanity" of my situation, and the human situation.

I don't fully see it, but I see enough of it to make me laugh. And sometimes cry.

But most of the time I just daydream. A lot.

Dogs and Life

It took me long enough to come up with that title. I hope you don't expect too much...though that it is a wonderfully exciting title (just kidding.) I drove to St. Auggie this weekend. Mostly because I was missing home. It was great to spend time at my mom's with the dogs and see my family. Pooka kept me company while I was doing homework, as you can see.

Well if you can believe this, and even if you cannot, mid-terms are next week. Wow, isn't that great.

It is. I will be so proud of myself when I make it through the semester. I plan on it, of course.

Houston, We Have a Problem

Well not really a huge one, but what can I do if I can't complain?

My "problem" is with the American Indian Courting Flute.

I want to use it to do my Group Instrumental Application for Music Rec. Tech. on Tuesday.

Does that make any sense? I certainly hope not.

(Hee hee. Just kidding.)

The problem is, I need a clear G note...and G and F are sounding exactly the SAME.

No good. They have got to be distinct.....precisely a whole step apart, for this to work.

Or...I need to find a different instrument to use.

To update you on health things....my little lung thing that I was recently so concerned about turned out to be just a cold! And it is almost completely better!

So, things are good. :)

And I am grateful. :)

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

(And Happy Birthday, Steve Day! )

Words of Wisdom

"The Buddhas, therefore, or the state of Buddhahood, represent the highest reality, and those who want to realize it, have to follow the example of the Buddhas: the Boddhisattva-Path, in which there is no place for escapism, no running away from discomfort and suffering, but, on the contrary, the recognition, the understanding and acceptance of the fact that perfect enlightenment cannot be attained without the readiness to take upon oneself the suffering of the world."

"...To take upon oneself the suffering of the world, does not mean that one should seek suffering, or that one should glorify it, or inflict it upon oneself as penance, like certain ascetics among Hundus and Christians. This is an extreme, which should be avoided as much as the over-emphasis of our own well-being. The Buddhist attitude flows from the inner urge to identify oneself with all living and suffering beings. This attitude does not only prevent us from laying too much stress on our own suffering- which would only strengthen our ego-consciousness- but it actually helps us to overcome it and minimize our own suffering."

"...[the Buddha] knew that only by going through the purifying fires of suffering can one attain the highest enlightenment and become fit to serve the world. His way was not to escape suffering, but to conquer it (this is why the Buddhas are called "Jinas" or 'Conquerers'), to overcome suffering by facing it bravely and seeing it not only as a personal affliction but in its totality, as the common fate of all living beings.

It is in this spirit that the Bodhisattva's vow is taken by all those who want to follow the sacred path of the Buddhas: 'I take upon myself the burden of all suffering, I am determined to endure it. I do not turn back, I do not flee, neither do I tremble. I fear not, I yield not, neither do I hesitate. -And why? -Because the deliverance of all beings is my vow... I am working for the establishment of the incomparable realm of knowlege among all beings. I am not only concerned with my own salvation. All these beings must be rescued by me from the ocean of samsara by the vessel of perfect knowledge.'

"The attainment of this state of salvation implies the overcoming of all narrow individual limitations and recognition of super-individual realities within one's own mind. It is the most universal experience the human mind can attain, and from the very outset it demands a universal attitude; for he who strives for his own salvation, or merely with a view of getting rid of suffering in the shortest posssible way, without regard for his fellow-beings, has already deprived himself of the most essential means for the realization of his aim.

"Whether it is objectively possible to liberate the whole world is beside the point- firstly, because there is no such thing as an 'objective' world for the Buddhist, since we can only speak of the world of our experience, which cannot be separated from the experiencing subject; secondly, the state of enlightenment is no temporal state, but an experience of a higher dimension, beyond the realm of time."

"It is in the very nature of enlightenment that it tolerates no exclusiveness (which, indeed, is the root of all suffering), neither on the way towards its realization, nor after its attainment - because it radiates without limits and without exhausting itself, allowing others to participate in it - like the sun which gives its light without restriction to all who have eyes to see and sensitiveness to feel its warmth, or organs to absorb its life-giving forces.

And just as the sun, while illuminating the universe impartially, acts in different ways upon different beings, in accordance with their own receptivity and qualities, so the Enlightened One - though he embraces all living beings without distinction in his mind - knows that not all can be liberated at the same time, but that the seed of enlightenment, which he is sowing, will bear fruit sooner or later according to the readiness and maturity of each individual.

But since to an Enlightened One time is as illusory as space, he anticipates in the supreme experience of enlightenment the liberation of all. This is the universality of Buddhahood and the fulfillment of the Boddhisattva-vow through the 'Wisdom which accomplishes all works', the Wisdom of Amoghasiddhi.

This All-Accomplishing Wisdom consists in the sythesis of heart and mind, in the union of all-embracing love and deepest knowledge, in the complete self-surrender to the highest ideal of human striving, which finds the force for its realization in the fearless acceptance of life's sufferings. For fearlessness is the gesture of Amoghasiddhi.

He who, inspired by this attitude, takes upon himself the Boddhisattva-vow at the feet of the Buddha, in the eternal presence of all the Enlightened Ones, may remember Tagore's deep-felt words:

'Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers

but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain

but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield

but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved

but hope for patience to win my freedom.'

SARVAMANGALAM!

Blessings to ALL!"

(Lama Anagarika Govinda, "Foundations of Tibetan Mysticism," pp.277-280)

Life is Good When You're Inspired/Thagard

Well I have had quite the adventure today.

In the student health center at FSU (Thagard) they had the worst tv show ever playing in the waiting room. It is weird because I KNOW i have seen the beginning of it before. Tbe same exact show. I don't know when, I don't know where (probably that same freaking place...they probably have it looping infinitely to torture people. Maybe they are trying to scare people away. Less to deal with), but, unfortunately I had seen part of it before. It was a like some kind of horror documentary show. It was based in this bar somewhere where people have english (?) accents, supposedly the place is haunted. One of the waitresses finds a severed hand in this gross big rubbermade box filled with red jelly. "Someone put a hand in me jelly!" And then the bartender is like..."I know! Let's play a game!" And then they start messing with the Weejee (sp?) Board. Then call in a cheesy psychic personality. The acting is really terrible. And I was trying to study. It was grating on my nerves. Why are they showing horror to sick people....and even worse BADLY done horror?

I ask you that.

The doctor, Dwight, was very nice. There is actually a poster in the elevator and he is on it! I had to take the elevator to get an x-ray taken in the basement. I recognized him in the poster, so I asked him if that was him and he told me it was. Funny. My chest x-ray is impressive. I think they were a little bit fascinated by me. The port looks funny. Like a little triangle with a long tail. My lungs were listened to and a sample was collected. Sputum. Oh the joys. (Hee hee..the whole time I was in the hospital they had "Sputum" written on a white board outside my door because it was the one sample they could not get from me. I'm not sure why, or even if, that is funny.) Well....I have to mention it because there is something interesting about it. I am the first student that they have ever ordered this particular kind of test be done on...a sample of that student, that is. Sorry. It is a test for genetic markers and it will show if there is any disease. A radiologist will also be looking at my x-ray. Dwight told me to take the day off and come back for a follow up appointment tomorrow. He also recommended that I get a local pulmonologist here in Tally, which is a great idea. They said my case was a "little over their heads." They were extremely helpful and nice, though.

Yeah so I feel okay. Just tired. And my lungs are "gurgling" a bit. Rumbling, bubbling, fizzing. I don't know. But the good news is that it did NOT look like fluid in the lungs, which is what I was all tripped out about last night! Which is fantastic news.

There you have it. :)